New School Year...etc.

The alarm just buzzed. This fires the bells in my head that my sleep allotment is now over and time to rise and shine to another year of school for the boys. Chandler starts his Sophomore year and little Spinner starts the journey of learning as a kindergartner! I still remember Chandler being that age and now he stares down the tunnel of only three years left before heading off to "higher" education. Chandler will have just turned 28 when Spencer finishes his high school studies. Who knows? I might be a grandfather by that time! Yikes!!

In the meantime, I get to handle a difficult situation. Spencer's reluctance to let go. The attachment issue is not only big, but emotionally taxing. I love my little buddy. What a gift from God both of my sons are to me. I would do anything and sacrifice anything for them. I hurt when they hurt. I feel their pain. Each time visitation ends, Spencer takes a few steps back from the leaps forward he has taken over the months between visits with his mom. He has good days and rough days. The rough days are peppered with the inability to let me go. He wants me to "stay and work from home" or "work from school" or "go with me to work", etc etc etc. The attachment issue is dug deep from the abandonment. This issue will continue throughout his life and the only thing that can be done is to somehow learn coping strategies as he matures. My only prayer at this point is that God will fill that void, that fear of abandonment, that attachment, that loss. I still cry at night from time to time. Not because of the what happened to me, but because of the loss to my children. They lost a mom. Sure, she thinks she is still their mommy. And genealogically and legally speaking she certainly is, but not emotionally. The relationship will never be how God intended it to be for mommy to child. That role was sacrificed when sin and selfishness entered the picture.

The journey will continue. It will have bumps and bruises emotionally. The scars will remain throughout life. For now, we live one day at a time. For now, God's grace continues to be more than sufficient. He is our refuge. He is the shade on our hand and our lives.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Eventful August

It has been an eventful August so far. The boys had visitation with their mom from the 7-10. It has not become easier as some have eluded to. I still walk into it treading lightly with some fear of what will happen when they come home after only four days.

I was moved to tears this time. As I was driving to Lafayette to pick them up, Chandler texted me a simple message, "Dad, I missed you." I had just pulled over at a gas station in Beaumont to get a snack for me and the boys for our drive home. I wept. He was okay. I allowed the tears to stream down my face as I praised God that this time through a separation of four days didn't create a month of estrangement.

After picking them up at the Cracker Barrell in Lafayette, we ate, drove home, and got ready for our vacation. I made reservations through priceline.com and got a deal! $63 a night at the Hilton Spa and Hotel literally across the overpass from Sea World! We arrived that night and spent Friday doing the Riverwalk and the mall as well as the Alamo. Saturday was Sea World with Uncle Vince, Aunt Jenny and Matthew.

This is when I noticed that Spencer was definitely re-attached to the level he had been back in March and in August of last year. Both times, right after visitation. It is the fear of abandonment coming out in full-force. He wouldn't let me leave his sight. The stress was there for all to see when I tried to ride a couple of rides with Chandler and leave him with Vince and Matthew, who is only a year older than Spencer. This is our reality now and will have to work through over time.

All in all it was a fantastic vacation. The hotel was remarkable. We made smores in the firepit one night, watched movies on the big wall outside, etc. etc. Great memories. I love my boys and I am so blessed to be raising them.

Fast forward to this morning. Today is a special day as Spencer starts Kindergarten at Bear Branch Elementary. Amazing really. It seems like yesterday yet an eternity when Chandler started. Now, it is Spencer's turn as a Bear Branch Bear. I met his teacher and she seems incredible. Yet another God thing where He knows exactly who to put in Spencer's life at just the right time. Pics will come later for sure. Chandler starts his sophomore year. He is only three total years away now from graduating high school. It is just sick and wrong. I am so proud of him. What a talent. What a great big brother. What an amazing son.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Water Under the Bridge

Time heals goes the famous saying. The question I would like to ponder and throw out would be how much time? How much water must go under a bridge for there to be healing?

A long long time. An ocean of water. This is my feeling today, August 1, 2011. There are two days on the calendar that are painful to me personally. This one and November 13. The scars drive deep. The pain can only be described as gutwrenching.

This is a day where my feeling is that I want to go home. Only...I already am home. I also want to move somewhere...far far far away. Change is good. Changing my venue would be a good thing for me at this point, but where do I go? I am always there and so will the pain. It will follow me no matter where I unpack my bags and hang my bike helmet.

Today is  a tough day. Tomorrow might be better. I hope so. But, I don't know at this point. I must figure out a way to move forward with my life. I do plan on a new support in the fall. Praying that helps some.

Praise the Lord I have my boys. I don't know where I would be without them.

Come on water...rush under the bridge. May time heal...one day at a time.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!