Chicken Soup for the Soul

No, I am not writing about the book that was a sensation and multiplied itself into various versions of itself. As I sit and type this, Spencer sleeps in my bed after thunder clapped at 4:00 a.m. The alarm stood waiting to blare at 5:00 a.m. anyway, so I really only lost an hour of slumber. But, I really wanted that hour!

My little budding 5 year old has been quite ill since Thursday, so we have officially entered day 5 and hoping that I can drop him at school. Praise God that I have such an understanding boss. I worked from home most of Thursday once I received the phone call and all day on Friday. The poor little guy could not stop throwing up. His strength left him completely and lost 4 lbs. in just three days!

On Friday morning, Danielle came to the house and watched him for me as I ran an errand. Once I returned she told me something that sort of floored me. All he had done while I was gone was ask for me. Even with Danielle, he continues to want me over anyone else at all. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug, stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. What a trooper Danielle is to our family. I don't know where we would be without her and her family's support. It truly is unbelievable how much they have loved us and taken Spencer especially under their wings.

Spencer stayed sick the rest of the weekend with the vomitting ending on Friday afternoon. On Saturday, he stayed in my bed watching numerous runs of Spongebob and other educational programming while I attempted to get Pedialite down a child who literally drinks only ice water and the occasional chocolate milk. Neither of these choices work on an upset and cramping stomach, so I vainly attempted to shove pack Pedialite down a determined 5 year old's mouth. The battle of wills had begun. I won out most of the time, but on other occasions, I gave in as I realized a while ago that I do not need to win every little battle. He slowly began to eat as well. By Saturday night, he was eating an egg, some yogurt (he loves greek yogurt) and some crackers.

After returning from my company's skit practice in The Woodland's and picking him up from the Zaruba's, I went by HEB to pick up a favorite of my mom's. Chicken Noodle Soup. He loves it. After warming it up, placing an ice cube in it to cool it for him after scooping some in a little mug from the stove, he ate. He smiled. My heart warmed like the soup to his soul. All was good for a few minutes as he asked me to sit with him while he ate his soup.




My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rashes, Doctors, Walks, Water, and Furniture - A Day in the Life of a Single Dad...

I woke Spencer up to take Chandler to school yesterday. He scratched his back without stopping and said, “Daddy, my back itches.” I picked him up and looked. Sure enough there on his back sat a nice rash with welts! I walked him over to the mirror and better light. His back covered, I decided to stay at home and work while driving him to the doctor's office. I am so glad that I have an understanding boss. Later that morning, the doctor stated that it could either be an allergic reaction or viral. Spencer had no fever, so it seems the allergic reaction is the perpetrator. We'll see. The doc said to watch him the rest of this week and go from there.

Once I finished working, Spencer and I went on a walk with Woobie and Pinky, his two buddies. He loaded up the umbrella stroller and we were off for the greenbelt. He talked away to me about how Woobie would speed up the stroller. Of course, when “Woobie” did this, Spencer took off running while pushing the stroller at the same time. I sat back and soaked in this memory. We went by the pool and up another part of the path before turning back, going off trail, making tracks in the dirt, stopping to say hi to a new puppy from our neighbor and eventually to the back yard where Spencer played in “Jeepy” and I soaked him with the water hose as he passed by in circles in the backyard. What a great afternoon/evening.

We left the house to pick up Chandler at Savannah's. After talking with Emily a bit, we came home. Spencer stumbled in the house quite tired. Bedtime called. We read a book he checked out at the library. I brought him some water. He fell asleep quickly. Benadryl three times a day tends to do that!

The next item up for bids – Chandler's room. He wanted my help in moving his furniture around for him. I understood. I helped. It actually looks better.

I love being their dad. I love taking care of them. I had another thought while on the walk with Spencer, “How could she skip these memories?” I don't understand. I probably never will understand.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Balance Act...

I overslept again. I continue to struggle to find my drive right now for keeping in shape. When I pull out the courage to get on my bike I enjoy it. It invigorates me. I get a lot out of it. For some reason though, I battle it everyday. I want to race next year, but I cannot race in my physical shape currently. I would get spit out of the back of the field so fast.

The divorce care group stated a few things that I believe stand extremely true for me at this point.

1. My equilibrium is not stable: They stated 85% of my energy is focused on my emotions and only 15% is left for spiritual, physical, and psychological. Therefore, the other areas of my life continue to starve as my emotions are on emergency service.
2. My healing process paused due to my relationship with Lisa. I literally hit the pause button and invested that in a new relationship vs. getting myself healed up to deal with life itself.   

Now that it looks as if that relationship will finalize next week, I can attempt to get some equilibrium in other areas of my life.

I picked up Spencer last night and came home to a house with not a lot of groceries. Knowing that this weekend would be filled with cycling, soccer, Savanna, small groups, church, yard work and cleaning house, I didn't see where the trip to HEB would fit. So, I made the executive decision to get it done last night. I took Spencer with me as Chandler plugged away on his homework. About 10 minutes into this sojourn, I realized that this idea wasn't my brightest as of late. Spencer stood in the cart exhausted with dark circles in his eyes and having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence. I tried to speed through the isles as I literally tossed items into the cart. At one point, Spencer looked at me and said, “Daddy, I am falling asleep in the cart. When can we go home?” I felt horrible. What kind of a parent am I going to “big” grocery shopping on a Thursday evening. This boy needed his pj's on, brushing his teeth and tucked in bed in a short 10 minutes from now. I decided that the rest of the list could wait and sprinted for the checkout line. The two college age gals at the counter noticed the half asleep 5 year old barely able to stay vertical and helped unload the cart to the counter.

Once we arrived home, I quickly made Spencer's dinner. Chandler helped while talking with Savanna on the phone and got his frozen pizza ready for the oven. Spencer finished and looked at me with his big blue eyes. He reached up with his arms as if to save hims from something. He puckered his lips. He wanted a kiss. My heart melted. I picked him up, kissed him, and walked him to his bedroom. The groceries can wait. The important freezer items were put away in their cold spots. Spencer and I read his favorite Dr. Seuss book that night as he had to read a rhyming book for his class. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. I must admit that I adore reading to my kids. I construct different voices for characters and it literally turns into a little mini-dramatic reading at bedtime. He closed his eyes in no time and the sandman covered him.

I returned to the kitchen where Chandler fixed his plate of Digiorno Pepporoni and a breadstick. Ahhhhhh nutrition. Again, I joined him. Nutrition would have to wait this night. And that is okay.

Balancing acts. They too have their difficulties. I learned something tonight though. In the midst of my effort to get the shopping done at the wrong time, Spencer didn't mind. Chandler got to eat and finished his homework. Shopping. Yet another area that gets juggled in our lives. Something I still take for granted that was done by my spouse for the most part. It hurt to watch Spencer almost falling asleep in the store. He deserved better. Chandler should have had dinner by now. Now the feelings would come back with frustration and anger at her for abandoning her responsibilities, life, children, etc. It is all up to me now. Overwhelming? Sure. Sustainable? Starting to be? Balancing act? Certainly. And the balancing will not stop. It will continue everyday and....that's okay.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

School, Attachment, and Index Cards...

Now that school has traction, routine might not run as smoothly as I would really hope. Making lunches at night certainly helps the morning ritual, but I still end up getting out the door quite inconsistently. Chandler stumbles, rolls, slides - no jumping mind you - out of bed and into the shower around 6"ish". We head out the door with Spencer in tow with Woobie and his favorite blanket to the Jeep by 6:45 to drop him at KHS.

We usually pass the same dad on a bike with a little trailer in tow with no child on the back which always looks quite odd to me - a grown man with a burly beard on a bike pedaling his heart out with a child trailer behind like it is chasing him and a helmet attached to the tiny handlebars. Spencer and I hop out of the Jeep around 7"ish" and I prep his breakfast which usually consists of yogurt and eggs (no not together) or oatmeal or cream of wheat, etc. He still likes the occasional pop-tart as well (what child doesn't?!).

From there, I run to the shower and pull out my clothes while at the same time get Spencer's together from him to change and get ready for his day in Kindergarten. We leave the house around 7:45 "ish" as they do not allow any child in the classroom until 7:50 (notice no "ish" there). At this point, I am apprehensive as I do not know which way it will go each day. Will Spinner be alright and be able to walk to class without the attachment to daddy? The last few days he has done okay as he knows that this is the new routine and I will be by to pick him up after work.

I then attack the Houston traffic down hwy 59 to my tower of a building off McKinney on the 18th floor with a really nice view actually. I go about my job and text Chandler a couple of times when needed. Today, it is index cards. He must have an important test which will more than likely be tomorrow! All I received was a text that read, "Could you pick up a TON of index cards on the way home?" Notice "ton" is capitalized. Yes, this would mean, it is a big test with a lot of information.

It can be overwhelming being a single dad, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my boys and would do anything for them. I realize now that Spencer's attachment to me will be here for a few years as it is all part of mommy leaving and not really being heavily involved in his life minus the weekly phone call and a couple of 4 day visits a year. His fear of abandonment and attachment are perfectly normal and I am okay with it for sure. He needs to feel secure and I will make sure he feels that security to the best of my ability.

I am sure that there are days though when he feels like the picture below......................so do I!

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Simple Twist of Fate

As I lay in bed this morning pondering the day and all that needs to get done (laundry, sign Spencer up for Soccer, go to the bank, get some yard work done, and most importantly have some fun with the boys), Spencer walks into my room and crawls up in bed with me. He lays down for a minute and then gets up and leaves to grab his Woobie and returns ready to lie down for a while next to me. We talk about the day some. He really wants to make a sojourn out to Toys R Us of course in addition to the other errands we will run.

I turned on the TV as I was still not quite totally awake yet and decided to see if there was a good kid movie on somewhere. I ran across A Simple Twist of Fate with Steve Martin. I had never seen the movie and I turned it on at the point where he is in the interview to be able to raise little Matilda. I never knew that this movie was about an abandonment. A few minutes of watching, I was able to put the story together. After watching for about 15 minutes, Spencer asked me quietly with his head on my chest all cuddled up with Woobie in one hand and the other draped across my stomach, "Daddy, where is her mommy? (At this point, I didn't want to say that the mommy was dead)" I told him, "Well she just isn't there anymore." His response, " Oh, that is like us." Insert sinking heart here. "Yes, buddy, it is like us."

It is truly amazing how the mind of a five year old can put two and two together like that so quickly. He already knows that it is not normal for a mommy not to be around. He has spent so much time with Robin and Danielle that it has been modeled to him throughout the summer and the last two years since he was abandoned. These are the scars that last a lifetime. It isn't normal. It hurts. It's real.

I will finish watching the movie later as I decided to record it for later. It was time to make some Saturday morning waffles. The day must begin. First stop: the YMCA to sign the little guy up for soccer. He is going to experience all that he can as a child and I am determined to have him look back on his childhood and be able to say that even though mom wasn't around, he still had a blast and enjoyed life. Time to get back to my journey.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!