Balance Act...

I overslept again. I continue to struggle to find my drive right now for keeping in shape. When I pull out the courage to get on my bike I enjoy it. It invigorates me. I get a lot out of it. For some reason though, I battle it everyday. I want to race next year, but I cannot race in my physical shape currently. I would get spit out of the back of the field so fast.

The divorce care group stated a few things that I believe stand extremely true for me at this point.

1. My equilibrium is not stable: They stated 85% of my energy is focused on my emotions and only 15% is left for spiritual, physical, and psychological. Therefore, the other areas of my life continue to starve as my emotions are on emergency service.
2. My healing process paused due to my relationship with Lisa. I literally hit the pause button and invested that in a new relationship vs. getting myself healed up to deal with life itself.   

Now that it looks as if that relationship will finalize next week, I can attempt to get some equilibrium in other areas of my life.

I picked up Spencer last night and came home to a house with not a lot of groceries. Knowing that this weekend would be filled with cycling, soccer, Savanna, small groups, church, yard work and cleaning house, I didn't see where the trip to HEB would fit. So, I made the executive decision to get it done last night. I took Spencer with me as Chandler plugged away on his homework. About 10 minutes into this sojourn, I realized that this idea wasn't my brightest as of late. Spencer stood in the cart exhausted with dark circles in his eyes and having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence. I tried to speed through the isles as I literally tossed items into the cart. At one point, Spencer looked at me and said, “Daddy, I am falling asleep in the cart. When can we go home?” I felt horrible. What kind of a parent am I going to “big” grocery shopping on a Thursday evening. This boy needed his pj's on, brushing his teeth and tucked in bed in a short 10 minutes from now. I decided that the rest of the list could wait and sprinted for the checkout line. The two college age gals at the counter noticed the half asleep 5 year old barely able to stay vertical and helped unload the cart to the counter.

Once we arrived home, I quickly made Spencer's dinner. Chandler helped while talking with Savanna on the phone and got his frozen pizza ready for the oven. Spencer finished and looked at me with his big blue eyes. He reached up with his arms as if to save hims from something. He puckered his lips. He wanted a kiss. My heart melted. I picked him up, kissed him, and walked him to his bedroom. The groceries can wait. The important freezer items were put away in their cold spots. Spencer and I read his favorite Dr. Seuss book that night as he had to read a rhyming book for his class. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. I must admit that I adore reading to my kids. I construct different voices for characters and it literally turns into a little mini-dramatic reading at bedtime. He closed his eyes in no time and the sandman covered him.

I returned to the kitchen where Chandler fixed his plate of Digiorno Pepporoni and a breadstick. Ahhhhhh nutrition. Again, I joined him. Nutrition would have to wait this night. And that is okay.

Balancing acts. They too have their difficulties. I learned something tonight though. In the midst of my effort to get the shopping done at the wrong time, Spencer didn't mind. Chandler got to eat and finished his homework. Shopping. Yet another area that gets juggled in our lives. Something I still take for granted that was done by my spouse for the most part. It hurt to watch Spencer almost falling asleep in the store. He deserved better. Chandler should have had dinner by now. Now the feelings would come back with frustration and anger at her for abandoning her responsibilities, life, children, etc. It is all up to me now. Overwhelming? Sure. Sustainable? Starting to be? Balancing act? Certainly. And the balancing will not stop. It will continue everyday and....that's okay.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!