Chandler wrote on his Facebook status that he is looking forward to 2012 to be a year that will not be filled with drama and a year of peace. I don't think I could echo him any louder. The last two years have taught me to live life one day at a time, to not take anyone or anything for granted, and thank the Lord that my biggest blessing outside of my salvation are my two boys.
Normally, when I write, I slather (is that really a word?) in some witty humor. This entry leans to the more serious side. It has been two years:
Where I am now:
I still cry.
My focus remains on my boys which helps keep me centered as well as my relationship with Christ.
I sleep better some nights than others. Last night was one of those nights. I woke at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. This still happens and I suppose will eventually get better.
I still can't listen to certain musicians (sorry Dave Matthews - still too hard), watch certain movies, or go certain places.
Kingwood is not easy to live in, but I choose to as I know it is the most stable environment for Chandler and Spencer right now. Way too many memories all over the place going back to high school.
The friends I have are numerous and amazing. Without them, I would probably be in a padded room with a tight fitting jacket being fed by an orderly named Helga.
My family remains a strong support. They have been there for me since everything happened. Knowing that will not change is comforting.
Moving forward has not been easy. It is a process. It is not an event. I will probably never look back and say, "I moved forward on 'x' day." Some people I have spoken with have said this and others have not...mine will be a process. Spending 23 years of my life with someone, 17 of them married, and having it end in an instant along with the abandonment of children is not only difficult to go through, it is brutal on all levels...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. The consequences I would not wish on anyone...especially to my kids.
But..............two years later:
I smile more.
I laugh more and with more people.
My sons bring me joy.
I have learned that I can have joy and not be filled with happiness and that is okay.
I am slowly finding fun in riding my bike again.
This will be the first year that I set goals for myself in a long time and I am looking forward to it.
Even though I still hurt, grieve and have a lot of unaswered questions, I have come to the realization that I will hurt and grieve less and that understanding what happened will really never happen...and that is okay!
My heart will always have scars now. This doesn't mean it stops beating. It just means that I have a story, a ministry, a burden, and empathy for those who have suffered the same loss...especially those who have dealt with abandonment as a child.
Healing is not an instant. Healing happens incrementally and I have to be open to it.
Even though I have made mistakes since everything happened, some of them big, I am still loved and chosen by the Lord. My boys and I are going to be alright.
God's grace is sufficient. Praise God. His grace is sufficient.
Peace. It is a good thing to ask God for in 2012. Chandler will be 16 in March. He has grown up so much in two years. I am very proud of him. He has so much to look forward to in his life. My prayer is that he will love the Lord and be able to have the peace he seeks which can only come from the Lord.
My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!
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