School, Attachment, and Index Cards...

Now that school has traction, routine might not run as smoothly as I would really hope. Making lunches at night certainly helps the morning ritual, but I still end up getting out the door quite inconsistently. Chandler stumbles, rolls, slides - no jumping mind you - out of bed and into the shower around 6"ish". We head out the door with Spencer in tow with Woobie and his favorite blanket to the Jeep by 6:45 to drop him at KHS.

We usually pass the same dad on a bike with a little trailer in tow with no child on the back which always looks quite odd to me - a grown man with a burly beard on a bike pedaling his heart out with a child trailer behind like it is chasing him and a helmet attached to the tiny handlebars. Spencer and I hop out of the Jeep around 7"ish" and I prep his breakfast which usually consists of yogurt and eggs (no not together) or oatmeal or cream of wheat, etc. He still likes the occasional pop-tart as well (what child doesn't?!).

From there, I run to the shower and pull out my clothes while at the same time get Spencer's together from him to change and get ready for his day in Kindergarten. We leave the house around 7:45 "ish" as they do not allow any child in the classroom until 7:50 (notice no "ish" there). At this point, I am apprehensive as I do not know which way it will go each day. Will Spinner be alright and be able to walk to class without the attachment to daddy? The last few days he has done okay as he knows that this is the new routine and I will be by to pick him up after work.

I then attack the Houston traffic down hwy 59 to my tower of a building off McKinney on the 18th floor with a really nice view actually. I go about my job and text Chandler a couple of times when needed. Today, it is index cards. He must have an important test which will more than likely be tomorrow! All I received was a text that read, "Could you pick up a TON of index cards on the way home?" Notice "ton" is capitalized. Yes, this would mean, it is a big test with a lot of information.

It can be overwhelming being a single dad, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my boys and would do anything for them. I realize now that Spencer's attachment to me will be here for a few years as it is all part of mommy leaving and not really being heavily involved in his life minus the weekly phone call and a couple of 4 day visits a year. His fear of abandonment and attachment are perfectly normal and I am okay with it for sure. He needs to feel secure and I will make sure he feels that security to the best of my ability.

I am sure that there are days though when he feels like the picture below......................so do I!

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Simple Twist of Fate

As I lay in bed this morning pondering the day and all that needs to get done (laundry, sign Spencer up for Soccer, go to the bank, get some yard work done, and most importantly have some fun with the boys), Spencer walks into my room and crawls up in bed with me. He lays down for a minute and then gets up and leaves to grab his Woobie and returns ready to lie down for a while next to me. We talk about the day some. He really wants to make a sojourn out to Toys R Us of course in addition to the other errands we will run.

I turned on the TV as I was still not quite totally awake yet and decided to see if there was a good kid movie on somewhere. I ran across A Simple Twist of Fate with Steve Martin. I had never seen the movie and I turned it on at the point where he is in the interview to be able to raise little Matilda. I never knew that this movie was about an abandonment. A few minutes of watching, I was able to put the story together. After watching for about 15 minutes, Spencer asked me quietly with his head on my chest all cuddled up with Woobie in one hand and the other draped across my stomach, "Daddy, where is her mommy? (At this point, I didn't want to say that the mommy was dead)" I told him, "Well she just isn't there anymore." His response, " Oh, that is like us." Insert sinking heart here. "Yes, buddy, it is like us."

It is truly amazing how the mind of a five year old can put two and two together like that so quickly. He already knows that it is not normal for a mommy not to be around. He has spent so much time with Robin and Danielle that it has been modeled to him throughout the summer and the last two years since he was abandoned. These are the scars that last a lifetime. It isn't normal. It hurts. It's real.

I will finish watching the movie later as I decided to record it for later. It was time to make some Saturday morning waffles. The day must begin. First stop: the YMCA to sign the little guy up for soccer. He is going to experience all that he can as a child and I am determined to have him look back on his childhood and be able to say that even though mom wasn't around, he still had a blast and enjoyed life. Time to get back to my journey.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

New School Year...etc.

The alarm just buzzed. This fires the bells in my head that my sleep allotment is now over and time to rise and shine to another year of school for the boys. Chandler starts his Sophomore year and little Spinner starts the journey of learning as a kindergartner! I still remember Chandler being that age and now he stares down the tunnel of only three years left before heading off to "higher" education. Chandler will have just turned 28 when Spencer finishes his high school studies. Who knows? I might be a grandfather by that time! Yikes!!

In the meantime, I get to handle a difficult situation. Spencer's reluctance to let go. The attachment issue is not only big, but emotionally taxing. I love my little buddy. What a gift from God both of my sons are to me. I would do anything and sacrifice anything for them. I hurt when they hurt. I feel their pain. Each time visitation ends, Spencer takes a few steps back from the leaps forward he has taken over the months between visits with his mom. He has good days and rough days. The rough days are peppered with the inability to let me go. He wants me to "stay and work from home" or "work from school" or "go with me to work", etc etc etc. The attachment issue is dug deep from the abandonment. This issue will continue throughout his life and the only thing that can be done is to somehow learn coping strategies as he matures. My only prayer at this point is that God will fill that void, that fear of abandonment, that attachment, that loss. I still cry at night from time to time. Not because of the what happened to me, but because of the loss to my children. They lost a mom. Sure, she thinks she is still their mommy. And genealogically and legally speaking she certainly is, but not emotionally. The relationship will never be how God intended it to be for mommy to child. That role was sacrificed when sin and selfishness entered the picture.

The journey will continue. It will have bumps and bruises emotionally. The scars will remain throughout life. For now, we live one day at a time. For now, God's grace continues to be more than sufficient. He is our refuge. He is the shade on our hand and our lives.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Eventful August

It has been an eventful August so far. The boys had visitation with their mom from the 7-10. It has not become easier as some have eluded to. I still walk into it treading lightly with some fear of what will happen when they come home after only four days.

I was moved to tears this time. As I was driving to Lafayette to pick them up, Chandler texted me a simple message, "Dad, I missed you." I had just pulled over at a gas station in Beaumont to get a snack for me and the boys for our drive home. I wept. He was okay. I allowed the tears to stream down my face as I praised God that this time through a separation of four days didn't create a month of estrangement.

After picking them up at the Cracker Barrell in Lafayette, we ate, drove home, and got ready for our vacation. I made reservations through priceline.com and got a deal! $63 a night at the Hilton Spa and Hotel literally across the overpass from Sea World! We arrived that night and spent Friday doing the Riverwalk and the mall as well as the Alamo. Saturday was Sea World with Uncle Vince, Aunt Jenny and Matthew.

This is when I noticed that Spencer was definitely re-attached to the level he had been back in March and in August of last year. Both times, right after visitation. It is the fear of abandonment coming out in full-force. He wouldn't let me leave his sight. The stress was there for all to see when I tried to ride a couple of rides with Chandler and leave him with Vince and Matthew, who is only a year older than Spencer. This is our reality now and will have to work through over time.

All in all it was a fantastic vacation. The hotel was remarkable. We made smores in the firepit one night, watched movies on the big wall outside, etc. etc. Great memories. I love my boys and I am so blessed to be raising them.

Fast forward to this morning. Today is a special day as Spencer starts Kindergarten at Bear Branch Elementary. Amazing really. It seems like yesterday yet an eternity when Chandler started. Now, it is Spencer's turn as a Bear Branch Bear. I met his teacher and she seems incredible. Yet another God thing where He knows exactly who to put in Spencer's life at just the right time. Pics will come later for sure. Chandler starts his sophomore year. He is only three total years away now from graduating high school. It is just sick and wrong. I am so proud of him. What a talent. What a great big brother. What an amazing son.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Water Under the Bridge

Time heals goes the famous saying. The question I would like to ponder and throw out would be how much time? How much water must go under a bridge for there to be healing?

A long long time. An ocean of water. This is my feeling today, August 1, 2011. There are two days on the calendar that are painful to me personally. This one and November 13. The scars drive deep. The pain can only be described as gutwrenching.

This is a day where my feeling is that I want to go home. Only...I already am home. I also want to move somewhere...far far far away. Change is good. Changing my venue would be a good thing for me at this point, but where do I go? I am always there and so will the pain. It will follow me no matter where I unpack my bags and hang my bike helmet.

Today is  a tough day. Tomorrow might be better. I hope so. But, I don't know at this point. I must figure out a way to move forward with my life. I do plan on a new support in the fall. Praying that helps some.

Praise the Lord I have my boys. I don't know where I would be without them.

Come on water...rush under the bridge. May time heal...one day at a time.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!