Discussions by Candlelight Wrapped in a Bath Towel - Happy New Year

Spencer the Sheepdog in the Kids Christmas Musical

New Year's Eve. Throughout the past, I have celebrated this holiday with a spread of emotion from exuberance with fireworks to nights in the bed in tears fearing what the next year would bring. Quite the range, I know. There seems to be hope on the horizon for now. With a new home, celebrating Christmas in the Ohana and now facing a New Year, the excitement of heading to a New Year's Eve party with the MOB (the name of my Sunday School class that I attend quite inconsistently) with a quick stop over to some great friends, the Medley's, filled my heart. The last few New Year's have not been so joyous, so having one to look forward to turned into quite the blessing.

Talking on the phone with a good friend, the power jolted in my home. Even my cell phone dropped the call. My seven year old fears the dark more than the average first grader, so I quickly snagged the lighter to light some candles. He started to cry as I quickly created light to bring both sight and comfort to the little guy's mind. How do you explain to a child that has such a big fear of darkness that he is going to be just fine and not be eaten up by some unseen thing or worse that same darkness somehow swallow us whole and turn spit us out in some foreign place or other planet (not that he thinks this, but that would be kinda scary!).

I quickly thought of what I could do to keep him distracted. I own a battery operated atomic clock that sits on my night stand. All a person has to do is push it down and there is instant light showing the time with seconds ticking away with the date and current temperature. What a cool toy! Spencer became my stopwatch. I needed to get in a workout anyway, so why not get in 30 minutes on the bike trainer while he gives me the cues to slow down and speed up on the pedals or sit and stand out of the saddle?

Mark it down folks! It worked! For the next 35 minutes, I would tell him the time that he needed to watch for and give me the signal. I would then speed up or slow down or stand or sit or change gears, etc etc etc. Spencer, unknowingly, turned into a wonderful workout partner.

It also put us behind on schedule. I figured the power would pop back on during the workout. No wind. No storm. No rain. Nothing. Yet, the power just quit. As I cooled down for 15 minutes he was completely proud of himself for helping dad with his workout. Still no power after the cool down. I needed to shower. I carried the lit candle into the bathroom and placed it on the counter. I gave Spencer my clock and fired up another candle for him. I took a shower by candle light. When I snagged the towel and wrapped it around me, Spencer came into the bathroom.

Out of the blue, he asked a question about my mom. This was a first. I told him that my mom would have loved him and he would have loved her as well (my mom passed away in 1999). He said that he missed his mom. I told him that I understood and asked him if he remembered his mommy when she was here.

**Sidenote - I have been encouraged by professionals that when he initiates conversations like this to listen and ask questions that lead to open ended questions as well. 

He shook his head. I asked him what he did remember about his mommy being with us. He gave a shoulder shrug. So, I asked him whether his memories were good or bad of mommy being here. He said that they were good. I told that he needs those good memories. We talked about some memories. We laughed about some. We were saddened by others (mainly the ones that she has missed).

Needless to say, this was a breakthrough. A seven year old freely sharing like this is a great thing. I sat there in my dark closet with a towel wrapped around me for 20 minutes listening and talking with my little 7 year old in a way that I didn't think would happen for at least another 4 years from now. A window opened and I saw a smidgen of his heart, his memories, his sadness, his loss, and his current happiness.

We missed the chance to go to our friends, but made the MOB party. Spencer and I had a ball.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Blank Slate...Fresh Canvas...New Roads...God's Grace

As I sit sprawled out on my couch to type this, praise music quietly plays in the background with a growing almost seven year old singing along to a Chris Tomlin toon while playing with his hot wheels. I am surrounded by reminders that I have two boys almost 10 years apart. Headphones are out from Chandler's iPod. Spencer's "farm" complete with horses, pigs, cows, etc. spread throughout a 10 sq ft spot on the floor with planes, hot wheels, and other toys. To the right of that sits my prized material possession, yes, my bike. A Time Edge Pulse race bike sitting on its trainer awaiting a ride where I can pretend to be scaling Alpe Du Huez in France tearing apart the peloton as I climb to victory while hammering the pedals through 20+ switchbacks! My mind is filled with newness. Dreams. Places. Praises. Thanks. A fresh start.

Tabula Rasa. A fresh blank slate.

This is a psychological term that I learned in college while majoring in the same. It means a blank slate. With the past leaving quite an impact on the three of us with abandonment, I still ponder the wonder of God's grace in the midst of tragic loss and traumatic emotional scarring. It is true that these scars will always be here and that PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but God's grace has never been more clear than now.

Selling the house and starting over with a new address, different roads to drive each day, different company to work for, different places to shop, different school to drop Spencer off each morning, different couch to perch upon, different vehicle to drive...the list goes on. There are many things at this point that I still have a hard time with and bring sadness (Billy Joel, Dave Matthews, smells, sounds, places, etc.) due to the immediate memories that these sensory stimuli illicit, but I remind myself that where I stand today begins anew. I am truly at a blank slate from where I was even in May.

As the days tick by like a large clock, I look at my oldest and see just a few years left with him at home as he will launch off to college and beyond. Does he realize that he just entered this world?! I also see a budding 6 (7 on Oct 24th) year old crazy about being this age, loves to laugh yet still struggles immensly with separation anxiety. I love these guys. They are my breath and life. The clock ticks by too fast.

This blank slate of ours reminds me of a fresh canvas. We have the opportunity to paint a piece of art that is our life from scratch. Yes, parts of the canvas have been impacted by the past and that will never be changed, but we have a chance to dream. To live anew. To, as Isaiah states, "mount up with wings like eagles". We are growing new wings, new talons, new beaks. The brush sits in our hands. We stand before the ezel to start anew.

I can't help but use another illustration to go along with this canvas. I remember the first time, I rode my bike in the hill country. I was surrounded by sounds I had never heard, scenery I had only beheld in pictures, and animals that I literally slowed down to gaze upon. Endless hills surrounded me as I pedaled through God's workmanship and I found myself in awe of His creation and craftsmanship. Our journey takes us on a ride much like that first ride on Upper Crabapple Road in Fredericksburg, TX. It will be challenging. I will be beautiful. There will be days that I want to quit. There will be days that I smile from ear to ear as bask in the wind of God's grace riding downhill in His creation. There will be days where I stop to smell the roses. There will be days that I hammer the pedals and am driven to aspire to some goal and make it to a certain point by a certain time. There will be days that I don't think I can make it to the top of a steep hill and He will be there to encourage me to hammer that much harder. Most importantly, it is not about finishing the ride, but enjoying the journey of this new road. I don't know where it ends. What hills and mountains I will have to traverse. One thing I do know, He will be there with me the entire route cheering me on with encouragement with my boys as we gaze upon His creation.

Ready...set....go


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Time That Will Never Be Forgotten

Chandler posing at Joe's Crab Shack - Don't know where he gets it from!

We found it. After numerous homes, two potential offers that were eventually pulled and endless driving all over Kingwood, we drove by a nice French Colonial home in Bear Branch. It was perfect. It even had the magnolia tree in the backyard that she had hoped for in addition to a bay window looking out to the backyard. We put in an offer the next day and moved in by December of 1999.

Chandler was only three and my time away from youth ministry? Not even a year yet. Spencer? Not even a glimmer of a thought. There, before us, stood our future. We built memories at this home that will last forever. I cannot begin to write the numerous times we all laughed (sometimes to the point of tears), had friends over for meals or card games, hosted Super Bowls, played kickball out front, teeball and baseball, took walks around the block or on the greenbelt, and many many many other memories from our family.

2009 changed all of that. Friday the 13th came and went like an atomic bomb. Now, almost three years later, the house was finally sold. Happy memories were replaced with haunting ones. Flashbacks became nightmares in the middle of the night. Tears of sadness and hurt substituted the laughter. Walking down a hallway, I could almost hear voices from the past, but the hallowed sounds were not holy anymore, but curses. Instead of bringing me to my knees in humility with the blessing of a full family, I fell to my face begging for answers and eventually the deliverance from what was once a refuge which had turned into a place filled with heartache and anguish.

No matter how many ways I changed the furniture around, painted walls, took down old pictures/paintings and placed new ones in their places, the memories still played in my mind like a looping movie reel.

Now, we had a buyer and the sale went through. We held an epic garage sale. Whatever didn't sell, we donated to HAAM. The next weekend, we spent the time putting everything together for the packers. After the packers finished, we made the move to the apartment. Spencer stayed the night with some friends. We had just about finished trucking everything from our sold 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath 2800 square foot home to our 2 bedroom 2 bath 1200 square foot apartment.

Chandler and I drove the Jeep back to the house for a few extra things before we went to bed at the apartment. As we walked into the house, an eerie feeling came over me. I was brought back in time to the first time I had walked into the family room in 1999. I remembered feeling the new carpet, seeing the leaves rustle in the Magnolia through the cool autumn breeze in the backyard, and the smile on her face that this was the place. I must have stood in the middle of that room for 5 minutes before snapping back into reality.

I started to fill one of the boxes with a few things and ended up filling the Jeep with a number of our belongings. I opened the back door and realized that I had not seen Chandler since we arrived. I knew where he was. I could feel it. As I pushed open the door to what was once his room for the vast majority of his life, he sat in a lone chair against the wall next to the door. A tear fell down his left cheek and he wiped it away.

I hugged him. We talked about the numerous memories in his room. Endless nights of reading books in his bunk bed with the cool light bulb hanging over his top bunk. Nerf basketball matches so intense that his closet doors eventually had to come off. Sleepovers. Neighborhood kids playing kickball. The memories were many. We both struggled to find words. I gazed upon Chanlder's face and he mine. We both hugged and wept for a good 5 minutes. We had to leave this house. We both knew it. We both knew how hard it all of a sudden had become to do just that and yet we knew it was the right thing.

I asked Chandler if he wanted me to pray. He said yes. So, I took his hands into mine and prayed. I wept as I praised God for all of the good memories at this wonderful home that he had blessed us with for almost 13 years. I also thanked Him that He opened the door for a new place to build new memories and have a new beginning for the three of us.

We stood. We hugged again. We walked to the Jeep and slowly drove away down the street for the last time together away from his childhood home. It was over yet we both knew that God had acted so quickly to sell this house that there was no mistaking the fact that we were walking the right road and that the Lord was in the middle of everything. God brought a smile to my face as Chandler drove back with me to the apartment. I was proud of my 16 year old. He opened up and we had a very intimate father/son moment that I will never forget for the rest of my life. We shared stories. We wept. We prayed. We rejoiced. What else can a dad ask for?

My grace is sufficient you...One Day At A Time!

The Over-Comer - Two Great Victories - A Humbled and Motivated Dad

One thing rings true as a single dad raising two boys almost ten years apart in age...when a victory arrives, it can be both humbling and motivating at the same time. This fact came to fruition just a couple of weeks ago when Chandler came home with a rather beaming smile upon his mug.

"Dad! I made varsity theater for my junior year! And...(he pauses)...are you ready for this?"

"Sure, Champ (I have called him Champ since his T-Ball days at the Y when he was a spry 5 years old)!"

"I also have all A's and B's!"

The same smile ran across my face as I knew how much work, study, and preparation he put into his grades and the monologue for varsity auditions. The theater teacher told him after he finished to speak with him. They talked about grades. Chandler communicated his commitment level and then the teacher looked at him and said, "Chandler, you did fantastic." At that, my son was completely thrilled, pumped, and motivated even more to keep his grades at the level he had raised them to currently. Two more weeks have passed and his grades now stand at all A's and two B's. Amazing. Simply amazing. Not that his grades have climbed to this level, but that they have elevated to this height in the midst of the past 2 1/2 years.

A wonderful friend of mine whom I respect and love, Curt, told me that Chandler is an over-comer. I have never thought of him this way, but now, I can not agree more. Proud? Yes. Humbled? Definitely.

These victories fuel motivation both in him and, believe or not, me as a dad. The victories communicate that things really do get better over time.

Let's face it, as a single parent, it is a challenge to say the least to balance kids, a clean home (yep - I fail here miserably!), laundry, yard, career, making meals, grocery shopping, helping with homework, teacher conferences, school activities, sports activities, church activities, dishes, etc etc etc.So, when my son has some victories like this, it motivates me as a dad to keep moving forward day by day by day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, it is all a person can do and that is okay I am learning. God just wants us to trust Him one moment at a time. His grace is sufficient. He leads us to victory. He humbles us with that victory and motivates us to keep going. Easy victories don't come with the satisfaction that the difficult victories bring where we sweat it out and struggle to get across the finish line stretching ourselves for the tape. We have to be as Curt so elegantly put it, over-comers.

Chandler is doing this and it is exciting to watch. Over-comer? You bet.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Kites and Wiffleball - What else can bring Joy on a blustery day?

Certain experiences are important in a growing boys life. Playing in sprinklers, riding bikes, getting dirty, climbing trees are just three. I think back to Tom and Huck fishing with a cane pole or my cousin Scott and I climbing my grandparent's trees especially the one in the front yard that we ascended all the way to the top one day and were both almost too frightened to come back down!

Kite flying. Yes, we don't see this much anymore. Little boys taking to the skies with their beloved kite to master the winds above them and tame that triangular shaped piece of flimsy plastic with quite the thin string. Spencer and I made our journey to the Bear Branch Elementary field where the wind swirled on this rare occasion in Kingwood. It doesn't happen often so we took advantage.

This B-1 Stealth Bomber shaped kite was about to make its debut in the skies over the Liveable Forest. I gave the string to Spinner and instructed him to run when tossed the "plane" up into the air. It didn't take much. Up it went. The wind howled. The sand flew behind the rocketing feet of my six year old as he giggled and bestowed his successful first flight. A gust of wind followed sending the bomber into a loop and tumbling to its initial crash into the turf. As we recovered our craft, up to the sky it went with another lift into the air. This time I was at the helm and the string was let out at a lightening pace. Almost like afterburners, it flapped violently way up in the sky almost out of sight it seemed. I gave Spencer the string holder to navigate. He held on tight as it darted back and forth in the blustery gales above the pine trees.

He laughed. I smiled. I took a couple of pictures and a quick video. Great memory. He had a blast. After about 30 minutes of piolting our flying $3.99 kite from the Easter Bunny, we went on to our next event, his soccer game at the Y.

Later that evening, Chandler has invited over a few of his friends, ten of them, for his belated 16th birthday get together. My highlight of the evening came when they strolled outside to the court facing our home. Following the National Anthem and the proverbial first pitch, Wiffleball was underway. I was transported to 10 years ago playing baseball with a much younger Chandler in that same court. I watched as these teenage boys played like they were 6, 8 or 10 years old again. They pitched, hit, ran, taunted, and were little boys again. I took some more pics and a quick video as well.

What can I say? I love being a dad. I truly enjoy watching my sons have fun and enjoy life, their friends, hearing them laugh, and making the most out of this chapter in our lives. It is a time I hope to never forget and when I get down, all I have to do is look at these pictures or watch these videos. God brings me back to place of joy.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Bluebonnets, Memories...Old and New

When God created bluebonnets, He had to be thinking of Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas as they say. The bluebonnet? The biggest beauty of wildflowers in my book.

The bluebonnets are not only the Texas state flower, but in this family, a tradition. It might not be a yearly addition in the Cahill Crew, but we try to make it a special run as often as possible. It has been a few years. The last time we motored up 290 toward Hempstead and Brenham was three years ago.

Yes...another first. The concern, to be completely honest, mounted in my mind for my oldest. A lot of memories in the head from past trips not only three years ago, but many others throughout the years. Both boys really wanted to take a drive to a field of these beautiful wild flowers, take Savannah (Chandler's very sweet girlfriend) and shoot some lasting pictures. I obliged of course.

Back up a second though. Saturday evening. Bed time. Putting the little guy to bed, I finished reading to him and Spencer wanted to talk about the bluebonnets. My mouth literally fell open over the next few moments.

"Daddy, do you remember when we went to the bluebonnets?" Spencer asked.

"Uhh...sure." I said, not knowing that he actually remembered three years prior when he was a sprite 3 years old.

"We all went, daddy. You, me, Chandler and mommy." He said.

I nodded and said, "Yes, buddy. I remember that day. Do you remember that day too?"

"Uh huh. That was a great day. We all had a lot of fun."

"Yes. We did. That is a great memory, buddy."

And then out of nowhere came this...

"Is mommy ever coming home?" Spencer asked. Yes. You read that correctly.

It has been two and a half years. My mouth fell open. My heart sank to my shoes. I did the best I could do as this took me by total surprise.

"Buddy, mommy isn't coming home. She has a new home with a new person. It is you and me and Chandler now. You still get to see mommy and talk to her, but she is not coming home. She still loves you, buddy."

The lip quivered. The tears ran. He reached up for me. I grabbed him and he wept for 5 solid minutes in my arms. I just held the little guy. I told him that I loved him and that I was here for him and that his brother was here as well. I thought about cancelling the trip to the bluebonnets that was slated for the next day after church. I was angry. I was hurt. Emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul...all for this little innocent 6 year old with a memory. More than one memory. Good memories. Scary memories. Emotion filled memories.

Where to go from here?

After he settled down, I prayed over him God's blessing and to touch his heart and bring him joy and happiness. He asked if we could pray for mommy. I told him we could and we prayed for God to bless her as well. I asked him if he still wanted to go after church the next day and he said that he really did, but wanted to bring some of his buddies (stuffed animals). I told him that that would be great and that they would probably love the bluebonnets too!

I kissed him on his forehead, turned out the light, and walked out of the his room.

After church the next day, we picked up Savannah and journeyed west out 290 to find a field of bluebonnets. We didn't even have to get to Hempstead before we came upon one the largest fields of bluebonnets I have ever seen. We pulled over and scampered through these beautiful wild flowers. As I snapped pictures of the boys, of Chandler and Savannah, and of Spencer and his "buddies", I thought how much this memory would etch into their minds as well. We laughed. We ran. We basked in God's glorious creation.

I stopped and looked out over the field, thought back, fought back a tear and then looked at the boys. My two sons. Happy. Chandler with his girlfriend being silly running through the bluebonnets hand in hand...giggling. Spencer laying down in the flowers looking up at the sky with his Hot Wheels sunglasses and "buddies". A new memory. Another new beginning. This is good.

Abandonment is brutal. It has such a lasting effect. The research out there states that most kids will be impacted for the rest of their lives even if the abandonment happened when they were quite young as in Spencer's case. Saturday night's question and breakdown proved that to me even more as he summoned up a memory from three years ago. Who would have ever guessed he would remember something from when he was three? Truly amazing. That day obviously had a large impact on him and served as a positive memory for him.

We all built new memories that day. All of them positive. All lasting. All fun. All with smiles. The lasting impact of abandonment and divorce might be scarring, but who says we can't build great lasting positive memories that can hopefully overshadow some of that pain? God is all about joy. He is all about fullness. And as my good friend Chad so famously states, "God is bigger." He is, Chad.

Bigger field of wildflowers. Bigger smiles that day. Bigger laughs. New Bigger Memories. God is Bigger.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

The Wisdom of Ferris Bueller

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Ferris' words have more than a ring of truth to them. I feel as if I blinked or forgot to "look around once in a while". A few for instances:

Dad

Dad playing a number game with Spencer last weekend

My father turns 71 at the end of the month. I still remember him playing catch with me as a little boy. How my sister and I ran into his arms as my sister and I yelled "DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" when he would walk in from work at night. I still have strong memories of crawling in bed on Sunday mornings with my sis and he would read the funnies to us. I don't remember the funnies. I remember him reading to us. I now know as a dad that he looked forward to that more than we probably did. I never viewed him as "young" in those days. He was dad. And yes, in my eyes, he was...ahem...old. Now here I sit typing this out on my computer and am older than he was when he read the funnies to Vickie and I while my mom smiled in the doorway with her warm cup of joe. I am glad I looked around and didn't miss that one. Yes, dad will be 71, but his heart is still that of the daddy when we played catch, jumped into his arms and listened to his baritone voice read Snoopy to us...morning breath and all. All that mattered was that he made those times special. Thanks, dad.

Chandler

Chandler driving dad's Denali on Sunday

Warp speed has entered the Cahill household. Now coming in for a crash landing (I use that language loosely of course and pray for that not to be in the literal sense) ...Chandler's 16th birthday on March 27th. Really? Wait. No. This has to be wrong. I can honestly say that this must be some sort of mix up as I could have sworn I just experienced seeing him hit a home run in Tee Ball, twirl a Bo Staff in Tae Kwon Do, draw a masterpiece in Art at school which rests on the fridge held up by a magnet that he made in kindergarten, and numerous other acts that have carved themselves into my memory as he has grown. He really does turn 16. He received his permit last week and drives every moment the chance arises. Chandler grows each day and I don't believe I could be more proud. I have never seen such a good big brother, son, friend, etc. He has a strong moral compass, a heart for God, and a passion for drums. I look forward to more "looks" from the philosophy of Ferris.

Spencer

Spencer at Deerbrook Mall this week

Still so young. What future lies in front of him? What will he like? What will be his passion? Where will his heart carry him? I have already blinked as I still cannot believe he is already in Kindergarten and in October will turn 7 years old. That is only two years younger than Chandler, 9, when he was born! Unbelievable. Pretending is the order of the day now and it brings all sorts of memories with it as well. The creativity of a little boy. Is there anything else like it? I think not. This week we have been cowboys, teachers, and race car drivers. In the past, cars have blown up, races won, lost, bad guys arrested and brought in for questioning, and the list goes on and on. The list will continue to grow as well. I still remember Chandler at this age. Thanks, Ferris. The more "looking around" at this age the better.

I believe the earth turns quicker on its axis nowadays. It must. These days move too quickly. Where is the sloooowww down button (insert the sound of an album played on 16 rpm here)?

For now, I soak up as many memories as possible. Take as many pictures as I can. Shoot as much video as I have room on a hard drive. Looking back at all of these memories will bring joy, smiles and dreams coming true.

When the credits roll to the end, I just hope Ferris doesn't ask why I am still here and I need to go home now. 

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

BBQ, a Cute Couple, Bumper Cars, a Big Leap Forward

The traffic mounted as we drove closer to Reliant Stadium where outside between the hulking stadium and the old classic Astrodome lay the 2012 BBQ Cookoff and Carnival. Once we found a place to park and purchased Spencer a jacket as the temperature dropped what seemed like 10 degrees since we had left Kingwood, we strolled down the sidewalk to our destination. Free BBQ (thanks to a really nice company that I do business with), carnival rides and good ol' fashioned fun stood right in front of us. Chandler, Savannah, Spencer and myself walked through what seemed like a stepped on ant hill of people from all walks of like doing their best to dress up like cowboys and cowgirls. As we approached the BBQ area, the intense smell of smokin' cookers spread through the air like a small mushroom cloud. We made our way through the maze of massive tents from corporations to professional chefs to finally find the one we were looking for, The Willis Group. Inside lay a spread of mouthwatering brisket, chicken, ribs so tender they fell off the bone and scrumptios sausage. All four of us ate and relaxed from our sizable walk from the jeep. I took in the smells and a load of memories flooded my mind as I thought back to the countless Rodeos I had attended with my family as a child through my teenage years when The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo was held in the Astrodome and Astrohall. Great memories. The tradition now continues with the next generation of Cahill's, so it is on to the Carnival!

We purchased out tickets for the rides and upon a unanimous vote, took off for the everpopular Bumper Cars. Chandler and Savannah hopped into the same car...quite cute as you can imagine. Spencer was beside himself with excitement. We had just watched his favorite show last week, Top Gear on the BBC America, and there were bumper cars in the episode. He wanted to get in one of these ever since we watched the show. Now, his chance arrived.

We jumped in and I pulled down the safety bar over us. Spencer grinned from ear to ear as the announcer went through his schpeel probably for the 107th time that day. When he finished, we took off! I immediately scoped out Chandler and Savannah and sped toward them while Specner laughed and screamed with glee. We hit and recieved hits from numerous bumper cars and then I noticed Spinner reaching for the wheel. In all of the excitement, he wanted to drive! Why not? So, we were now being piloted by a six year old with an amazing fascination for cars. In his complete elation, he zoned in on anything that was in front of him that he could hit. I kept my foot on the accelerator at all times and never took it off. We nailed Chandler and Savannah countless times and vice versa all of us laughing non-stop.  Following this experience, I took a pic this picture of him. He demanded that he be outside of the bumper car for the picture.

We had a ball and it was the beginning a great memory.

From the bumper cars we waltzed over to the massive ferris wheel where we all got into the same booth that took us to heights were we could see all over the city. The downtown skyline stood in pride, the sadness of the field where Astroworld used to stand, the incredible standard of the Medical Center, and a gorgeous Texas sunset. The setting was a picture of symbolism for me. The sun had set on a life that I had thought once would be to now what it is and can be. Little did I know that a big step for a little boy was just moments away.

Following the beautiful ride on the ferris wheel, we strolled through the crowd for a funnel cake (after all, what is a carnival without a funnel cake?!) and a ride on a slide in potato sacks. We went through fun houses, haunted houses, watched a bunch of guys try to win prizes in the games and eventually came upon a massive slide and the kiddie bumper cars (a smaller version of what our first choice of the night had been). The slide, one the largest I have ever seen, reminded me of the one in the beginning credits of a show called the Banana Splits. Steep? Understatement. Spencer begged to go on it. Why not?! Not only did he want to ride this extremely larger than life slide, he wanted to do it alone with me on the slide next to him. What a huge step! I took a video of this on my phone. He laughed and screamed and smiled and screamed and laughed and smiled. I was elated for him. I slid behind him videoing and I couldn't help getting emotional. I was moved. Chandler was surprised. I was so excited for him. He blew my mind even more when he wanted to ride on the kiddie bumper cars alone! This is a leap for my boy. This almost brought me to tears as I watched him drive, be competitive, laugh, get intense, squeel for joy. He was having the time of his life. I sat back and enjoyed watching both of my boys as Chandler and Savannah had fun together as a budding young high school couple and Spencer experienced a handful of firsts in his life.

Spencer's attachment issues dwindled, didn't disappear, a bit as he rode a slide alone and jumped in a bumper car to drive alone. I rejoiced. I thanked the Lord for this. He gave Spencer strength through excitement. What a wonderful aide in coping for a little guy. Speechless again.

What a great day. We drove home. Now it was my turn. I smiled from ear to ear. My boys had a ball. Chandler made some great memories with his girlfriend as well as his brother and myself. Spencer gained a well-needed taste of independence. I soaked in yet another incredible memory with the two most incredible sons a dad could ask for in this life. Enjoy the video...yes...you will smile especially if you know our story.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rainy Days and Hot Wheel Tracks



The storm rolled in around 3:00 a.m. when my little one staggered in my room quite frightened from the loud thunder clap. I had heard the sound and knew it would only be a matter of moments when the knob of my bedroom door would be turned and the sound of whimpering would follow along with the pitter patter of feet.

"Daddy, I'm scared."

"It's okay, buddy. I'm here. Do you want to sleep in here with daddy?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Crawl in..."

Spencer climbs in my king size sleigh bed and pulls the covers up all the way to his neck as he clutches his wooby and gets so close to me that I feel like I am about to fall out of this large bed.

The rain came. The skies opened up and I started to wonder if an ark construction was in the plans for the Houston area. Spencer fell asleep quickly. I lie awake listening to the rain hit the roof and roll off into the yard as the grass sucked up the well needed replenishing.

The parallels struck me so evidently. For two years, the storms have raged. At times, I have felt like drowning in the pain could be the only lot left in life. I watch and listen to my boys struggle at times, but as time moves forward, a little rain brings nourishment. We stretch forward like a blade of grass yearning for fresh water. As it hits us, we take it in, close our eyes and await the next hit of refreshment.

Not only do these rainy days have the potential to bring us this well-needed hit of  rejuvenation, but they can also be a needed change of plans. I had wanted to get on my bike and put in some well-needed miles. Instead, we ended up building a Hot Wheels track in the family room and tested numerous cars to see which one(s) worked best with the two power boosters. This started our day off with some great time together. Sure, I missed a workout, but I gained a memory. The rain is good not only for the ground, grass, trees, plants, etc. It brought about a quick change of plans as simple as a Hot Wheel track.

The journey is one day at a time. It needs simplicity...not complexity. Isn't God wonderful Who brings in the weather to usher in simplicity in our lives and make the important a reality.

I still worked out later. I took the boys to the gym and lifted with Chandler while Spencer made some new friends in the childcare area. The teachers fell in love with him immediately. My boys have that effect on people. They are lovable because He is loving toward us. In the midst of storms, He has refreshed us with His grace and mercy. The journey continues.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Valentine's and other Hallmark Thoughts

Valentines. Yep. It has arrived yet again. Chandler, Spencer and I walked through HEB buying some assorted grocery needs and the reminders of the day approaching lurked around every corner. Balloons, chocolate covered strawberries of all shapes and sizes, flowers of every color, cards with pink and red highlights and hearts printed with romantic sayings, etc etc etc. Finally, a man making the strawberries asked me to get one "for that special lady in my life". Well, considering, there isn't a "special" lady anymore, I passed but talked Chandler into purchasing one for his girlfriend. Good choice. She'll like it for sure.

Later, Chandler looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, dad."

He knows. I can hide it with the best of them, but there are days I get caught off guard. Reminders come up. Thoughts come in my head. Failure. Relationship failure especially can be extremely difficult to not only "get over", but the lingering effects gnaw at the insides of a person and have the ability to literally chew us up and spit us out. These emotional scars heal I have been told, but scars stay.

I have had four reconstructive knee surgeries. The scars still exist. If you would like a Lionel Train can take a journey on my knees. The parallels are there as well. Both have side effects. Both keep us from being 100%. Both keep us making careful decisions or second guessing careless ones. Both definitely have ongoing issues that come up when we least expect and can catch us off guard. Both can bring pain that illicit tears.

So, Valentines Day. It is a great holiday. I have good memories. I also made some new ones yesterday as Spencer and I made up all of his Valentine's for his class this week. Cars Valentines with a caramel Hershey's kiss taped to them. We also constructed a Valentine's box with pictures of Snoopy and Mickey Mouse taped to it for the one's he will receive.

God is still good and He is still on His throne. A good friend told me this past year that peace is worth fighting for and that is something I am holding onto as a truth. It is one of my goals this year. Peace in my life in the midst of the last two years. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He gives the peace that passes all understanding.

I sang today in my car on the way to work. I haven't done that in a long time. I belted out Mark Schultz song "He Is". What a wonderful truth. God's Valentine to me. I am blessed. In the midst of turbulence, my plane still flies and is on coarse for where He is taking me.

Thank you for the Valentine this morning, Lord and for the memories with my boys this weekend. Chandler and Spencer. Wow...what better Valentine could I get?

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

New Year...2012...One Day At A Time

Chandler wrote on his Facebook status that he is looking forward to 2012 to be a year that will not be filled with drama and a year of peace. I don't think I could echo him any louder. The last two years have taught me to live life one day at a time, to not take anyone or anything for granted, and thank the Lord that my biggest blessing outside of my salvation are my two boys.

Normally, when I write, I slather (is that really a word?) in some witty humor. This entry leans to the more serious side. It has been two years:

Where I am now:


I still cry.

My focus remains on my boys which helps keep me centered as well as my relationship with Christ.

I sleep better some nights than others. Last night was one of those nights. I woke at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. This still happens and I suppose will eventually get better.

I still can't listen to certain musicians (sorry Dave Matthews - still too hard), watch certain movies, or go certain places.

Kingwood is not easy to live in, but I choose to as I know it is the most stable environment for Chandler and Spencer right now. Way too many memories all over the place going back to high school.

The friends I have are numerous and amazing. Without them, I would probably be in a padded room with a tight fitting jacket being fed by an orderly named Helga.

My family remains a strong support. They have been there for me since everything happened. Knowing that will not change is comforting.

Moving forward has not been easy. It is a process. It is not an event. I will probably never look back and say, "I moved forward on 'x' day." Some people I have spoken with have said this and others have not...mine will be a process. Spending 23 years of my life with someone, 17 of them married, and having it end in an instant along with the abandonment of children is not only difficult to go through, it is brutal on all levels...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. The consequences I would not wish on anyone...especially to my kids.
But..............two years later:

I smile more.

I laugh more and with more people.

My sons bring me joy.

I have learned that I can have joy and not be filled with happiness and that is okay.

I am slowly finding fun in riding my bike again.

This will be the first year that I set goals for myself in a long time and I am looking forward to it.

Even though I still hurt, grieve and have a lot of unaswered questions, I have come to the realization that I will hurt and grieve less and that understanding what happened will really never happen...and that is okay!

My heart will always have scars now. This doesn't mean it stops beating. It just means that I have a story, a ministry, a burden, and empathy for those who have suffered the same loss...especially those who have dealt with abandonment as a child.

Healing is not an instant. Healing happens incrementally and I have to be open to it.

Even though I have made mistakes since everything happened, some of them big, I am still loved and chosen by the Lord. My boys and I are going to be alright.

God's grace is sufficient. Praise God. His grace is sufficient.

Peace. It is a good thing to ask God for in 2012. Chandler will be 16 in March. He has grown up so much in two years. I am very proud of him. He has so much to look forward to in his life. My prayer is that he will love the Lord and be able to have the peace he seeks which can only come from the Lord.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Water Under the Bridge

Time heals goes the famous saying. The question I would like to ponder and throw out would be how much time? How much water must go under a bridge for there to be healing?

A long long time. An ocean of water. This is my feeling today, August 1, 2011. There are two days on the calendar that are painful to me personally. This one and November 13. The scars drive deep. The pain can only be described as gutwrenching.

This is a day where my feeling is that I want to go home. Only...I already am home. I also want to move somewhere...far far far away. Change is good. Changing my venue would be a good thing for me at this point, but where do I go? I am always there and so will the pain. It will follow me no matter where I unpack my bags and hang my bike helmet.

Today is  a tough day. Tomorrow might be better. I hope so. But, I don't know at this point. I must figure out a way to move forward with my life. I do plan on a new support in the fall. Praying that helps some.

Praise the Lord I have my boys. I don't know where I would be without them.

Come on water...rush under the bridge. May time heal...one day at a time.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Great Friends...

Friends. I cannot begin to describe the amount of blessing I received on my journey called life from friends. They have counseled me through many turns in the road, forks in the road and a whole lot of pot holes and wrecks. I have experienced many laughs, tears, inside jokes, empathy, sympathy, tough love, grace, mercy, prayer, understanding, and the list could go on for long time.

I don't know where I would be without the countless friends who have supported me over the past year and 8 months through such turbulent times. A true friend sticks by you through thick and thin. They tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. They pray for and with you in good times and hard times. A friend loves without regard to the mess ups that we commit, have committed or will commit. Friends look at you as a blessing just as much as you look at them as one to yourself.

My sojourn has taught me many things. Turning 42 this year and officially in my middle age, I have gleaned the knowledge that my blessing is quite profound. The close friends that I have are few, but more than most. I can call a number of people at 2 a.m. I call them my 2 a.m. friends as a matter of fact. To know that I have more than one...two...five plus is quite amazing. God is so good to me. Thank you for the many friendships who have stuck with this sinful man. I have many limitations. I would not count friends one of them. What a blessing on my journey.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Blessings on the Journey...

I took a break at my desk yesterday for a short minute after receiving a text and paused. Even though life's twists and turns can surprise and sometimes even shock, I sat there amazed by the blessings in my life:

God has entrusted two amazing sons to me to love, raise, nurture and mold for the future.


The friends that stick next to my side during the turbulent times is an amazing glimpse into God's steadfast love.


Family has taken on an entirely new meaning over the past year and a half. What a loving and caring family I have!


I have a good job with two understanding bosses who get how important my boys are to me and support that fully.


It is okay that "love" will have to wait until a time way into the future...and God is still crazy about me. 


....God still wants to use me for His glory. The lost still need to hear the good news and He still wants to use this sinful vessel to carry out His will. I stand amazed by this truth.


The blessings keep coming to mind even as I type this blog entry. I guess it never ceases to amaze me how much God loves me even in the midst of my shortcomings. As Crowder states, "His love is like a hurricane and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his grace and mercy". Poetry.




My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

His Grace is Sufficient...One Day at a Time

I believe I am beginning to get a glimpse of God's sufficient grace. I never dreamed, in either a daydream/nightdream or a nightmare/night terror, that I would be where I am today. I now see why it is best to live one day at a time. Not that we shouldn't make plans, have dreams, strive for success, or even shoot for the stars. I realize none of this can happen without plodding some sort of map for our lives. I am all for that. After all, without a target, we hit nothing.

My heart has changed though. I now really want to live in the moment. Day by day. Looking into the future is important...I get that. Maybe it is the pain. At this point, the mystery is still there in my mind. How I arrived where I stand at this point of my life is still somewhat of a puzzle to me. So, I will live one day at a time. His grace is sufficient for that. And for that...I am quite glad.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!