Thanksgiving and The New Beginning - Thank You...Everyone!

Thanksgiving. Thankfulness. Thanks. Where to start? As I sit in the breakfast area of the LaQuinta surrounded by the aroma of freshly brewed Community Coffee (yes I chose the Dark Roast with Chicory) here in the thriving metropolis of Hammond, LA, I ponder on this Thanksgiving the numerous people who have poured their hearts into my life. So many individuals sacrificed time, given words, shed tears, brought laughter, and so many other things to my life since that fateful day - March 11, 1969. I want to take some time to thank those who have impacted my life. There is no real order to this, but I did decide to save my most recent and the person who has built my hope for a future for last of course.

Thankful for my parents for getting everything started (I know...TMI...hee hee).

Thankful for my dad for teaching me work ethic, love, loyalty, service, family priorities, and that nothing is free in life. The older he gets the more his heart grows. He has such a love for his grandchildren. He is the quintessential grandpa.

Thankful for Jan. You love my dad. You make him smile. You travel the world with him which grants one of his dreams to come true. You greet us with a smile.

Thankful for my mom. She taught me the importance of having a big heart, a good attitude, nurture, how to fall asleep on a couch before 8:30, and some of the best southern sayings on the planet. I miss her all of the time yet so thankful for the time I was blessed with for the thirty years I had her.

Thankful for my sister. We fought like the proverbial cat and dog growing up and now grow closer each and every day. How special is that? I'd take a bullet for her and she'd do the same while riding her horse. To have her so close by is something I never want to take for granted. It sure beats the 9 hour drive to Oklahoma.

Thankful for the rest of the Cahill family. Bobby, Sandra, Scott (I miss you and think of you often still), Jenny and Vince - I don't think I laugh more until I am around all of you. The reminiscing of stories growing up. The constant stories of my dad that make me roll on the floor (sometimes literally). You always bring a smile to my face and I just wish we saw each other more often.

Thankful for my grandparents. The smell of fried chicken will always remind me of my childhood. The wit of my grandpa. The strength of my grandma. The giving hearts of both of them. Need I say more?

Thankful for my Chandler and Spencer. Ten years apart. Totally different yet so much a like. Love them more than words can express. I well up inside knowing what we have been through together. The Lord is going to use these two. I just know it. He hasn't brought them through so much for His word on their lives to return void. They bring true joy to my heart.

Thankful for Chalin. My "bonus boy". My heart grows each day knowing that he is part of the family now. What a privilege. Love this boy and can't wait to see how God uses him. He is talented, naturally brilliant and has a quick wit. Love this bonus in my life. What a blessing!

Thankful for the Zaruba's. Robin and Danielle have been there for me and Spencer especially throughout so much of the past five years. I don't think I could ever come close to repaying them for all they have done. What an amazing family. When the Lord created these two, he ran out of room in their chests because their hearts are so big.

Thankful for the Barrett's. What amazing friends. They have served us, loved us, laughed and cried with us. All while going through the worst pain parents could ever conceive. The loss of a child. I love you Chad and Melissa. I love your kiddos. I miss your precious Kristina. I am so thankful the Lord put you in my life. So fortunate to call you friends.

Thankful for Curt Williams. What can I say about Curt? I can't be thankful enough for a friend who loves when it's tough. Suffers when there is no strength left. Counsels when the words aren't popular. Clings to God's word when it's viewed as archaic. Loves his wife, Shelley, and family publicly and privately with a servant's heart. Loves the unlovely. Touches the untouchable. Hugs the unhuggable. Thank you for your example of biblical Christianity.

Thankful for Jerrell. This man has stuck with me through thick and thin since I was 15 years old. He is always only a phone call away even though is a 24+ hours away by car. He is one of the best listeners I have met. His desire has always been to take away pain and heartache. He truly has a heart for knowledge of scripture and how to apply that to his life. Amazing friend.

Thankful for Woody and Tracie. I love these two people. I can't think of a couple who loves each other more publicly yet are so different in personality. The glue that constantly grows them closer together is their passion for the lost, heart for the hopeless and devotion to their kids and grand daughter. What a blessing to call them friends. They have done more for me, Terra, Chandler, Spencer and Chalin than they know. They make us laugh. They challenge our hearts and minds. They are true friends.

Thankful for Jason. This guy loves. That's all there is to it. I don't think I have ever met a man who has a deeper passion for the word love and how that is lived out to the flock he pastors, to his friends (me included), to his bride of so many years, and to ministry. He and I have known each other since 1987. He has always been a friend that "sticks closer than a brother". The type where we pick up right where we left off each time we talk or meet.

Thankful for Rick and Nina. This couple is gold pure and simple. They have been here for me constantly for years. Not just a phone call away. They drop everything when they can to help and to love. They are such great examples of pouring their hearts and lives into their kids. Such a lost art in today's society. This couple knows the secret! They empower their boys to succeed and fail. What an amazing gift to watch. So blessed to call these two my friends. They are adopted Cahill's and we are adopted Dodgen's. The fact that that will always be the case makes my heart happy. Rick was one of the first to look at me in the eyes, after spending time with Terra at the MS 150, and asked me what the world I was waiting for? He saw almost immediately how special of a woman Terra really is and that she and I just fit each other. Thank you, Rick.

Thankful for Madelyn. She is a phenomenal friend who has been there for me through so many times and trials. An incredible lady who loves God, has a heart for her children and is always there to listen. 

Thankful for Phil and Caroline. Friends that keep in touch no matter the schedule. Phil has the gift of encouragement and Caroline has the gift of service. Put those two together and the blessings are bountiful. 

Thankful for Clark. What a great friend and so fun to watch the Lord work in this man's heart. Big heart. Gentle spirit. The Lord is going to use him in amazing ways. Thank you for being my friend.

Thankful for Dean Fullerton. Dean has become a great friend (since 2002) and business partner (since 2012). He believes in people. He shows grace. He is ethical and fair in his business practices. He loves his bride and kiddos (grown and still at home). A great example of big kid, smart business man, and lover of those less fortunate due to his love for the Lord. So thankful the Lord put this man and his family in my path.

Thankful for Duane Mills. How can I put together a list of thankfulness without Duane? The man gave me the "double-take" when I asked him about "all of this Jesus-stuff" back on January 23, 1985. He loved me enough to walk me through not only Who Jesus is, but how to walk with Him and enjoy a rich relationship with Christ. Duane taught me the importance of spending time with people one-on-one and how that makes such an impact on those seeking to know more about a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thankful for Jeff Chandler. My years of interning under this man were some of the most memorable of all of the ten years of vocational ministry from 1989-1999. Never have I met a man with more of a passion for evangelism, broken-heart for teenagers, and creative mind for ministry. So thankful for my time with Jeff, the fact that we are still friends to this day and that he is still a grace-giver.

Thankful for Bill and Sue Himmell. What a couple. I had the privilege of serving with this couple from 1991-1995 in Pearland at Fellowship Bible Church. God did amazing things through these people. I learned so much about humility, not taking myself so darn seriously, and loving unconditionally. They are still friends to this day that I can pick up the phone and call. Sue has such a love for Bill and Bill for Sue. What an amazing example. This couple sets the benchmark when it comes to long-suffering as they have served at FBC since the 80's. God has a special mansion and crown for couples like this.

Thankful for Tom and Maureen. A lot of ups and downs in the last five years. Such a love for their grandchildren. Such a heart for embracing change when it is difficult. Accepting my new bride and bonus child with open arms. Great pictures of grace and mercy this couple and so thankful they are still in my life when with all that has happened the since 2009, so many would have walked away. The door is always open.

Thankful for Terra. My bride. My heartbeat. My breath. You have given me a new grapefruit. The jolt of happiness I experience when I see your smile (you know the one...yep when your eyes disappear) brings more to my immediate life than water for nourishment in a dessert. Who would have thought that a refrigerator, a drama ministry, a friendship, and a few beers and margaritas would bring us to a young amazing marriage. You could have walked away so many times (and I wouldn't have blamed you in the least), but you chose patience over impatience. You decided to show grace and mercy toward me over misunderstanding and judgement. You fell in love with not only me, but my boys. You love them unconditionally like they are yours. That kind of love only comes from the Father. God gave you a heart for the three of us. For me. For Chandler. For Spencer. To express how much an answer to prayer would be impossible with the written word. You would need to carve into my emotionally scarred heart to see just how much this truly means to me as a dad and as a man. I am thankful to wake up next to you every morning. Thankful when we cook together. Thankful when we exercise together. Thankful when we make the time to pray together. Thankful for your heart for God, ministry to ladies, your love for the simple, your passion to have fun and explore, your giving spirit, your sacrificial spirit, and your ability to make the complex understandable. I love how you dream of the future with me. I love the fact that you want to see us grow closer and stronger as a married couple each day. I love that allow me to lead even when I fail and then you don't judge. You embrace grace. You display mercy. I love you, Terra. I am so thankful God dropped you in my life back in the summer of 2012 at such a trying time in my life. You waited a year before I was ready to date. You were patient with me when I was frightened to tell many people. You stayed with me all throughout the next year and a half until I finally "took the leap of faith" to ask you to be my bride. What a beautiful picture of Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31 you are to me and countless others. I love you.

There truly are several others I am sure that I have not mentioned and I am sorry if I didn't mention you. I don't want to hurt feelings in any way.

So much to write about now! I can't wait to get started! Oh wait...I just did. <[8^}

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Hope...

Hope.

Hope brings me vision.

Hope sustains me through difficult times.

Hope raises me out of bed in the morning to tackle the day.

Hope disperses the mundane.

Hope opens doors when others have been slammed shut.

Hope stirs the soul's fire when despair has attempted to toss water on the flame.

Hope starts new dreams and keeps older ones alive.

Hope fills the glass that was half empty to overflowing and spilling over into aspects of life that I never thought could be touched.

Hope reaches down to pull me up when I am at the bottom and points me to a Savior who is completely crazy about me.

Hope pushes me to be better for my two sons.

Hope aids in the healing of the past and ushers in the meaning of "new creation in Christ".

Hope keeps my eyes fixed on the prize.

Hope presses the re-start button each day so that I keep looking forward and dwell on the past.

Hope will grow me past PTSD.

Hope gives me the future that I thought could not be attained.

Hope doesn't drain me...it motivates me everyday.

Hope brings a smile to my face when I watch my two sons laugh, fills me with warmth when I hug them, wipes my tears away when there is pain, and holds all of the pieces together when I think all is lost.

Hope.

Hope is bigger than me.

Hope is the Lord God Almighty. Crazy about me. Crazy about my sons. Wants the best for us. Wants us to succeed. Desires an intimate relationship with us because we are His creation. His masterpiece of art.

I am so thankful He gave me His Hope.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Blank Slate...Fresh Canvas...New Roads...God's Grace

As I sit sprawled out on my couch to type this, praise music quietly plays in the background with a growing almost seven year old singing along to a Chris Tomlin toon while playing with his hot wheels. I am surrounded by reminders that I have two boys almost 10 years apart. Headphones are out from Chandler's iPod. Spencer's "farm" complete with horses, pigs, cows, etc. spread throughout a 10 sq ft spot on the floor with planes, hot wheels, and other toys. To the right of that sits my prized material possession, yes, my bike. A Time Edge Pulse race bike sitting on its trainer awaiting a ride where I can pretend to be scaling Alpe Du Huez in France tearing apart the peloton as I climb to victory while hammering the pedals through 20+ switchbacks! My mind is filled with newness. Dreams. Places. Praises. Thanks. A fresh start.

Tabula Rasa. A fresh blank slate.

This is a psychological term that I learned in college while majoring in the same. It means a blank slate. With the past leaving quite an impact on the three of us with abandonment, I still ponder the wonder of God's grace in the midst of tragic loss and traumatic emotional scarring. It is true that these scars will always be here and that PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but God's grace has never been more clear than now.

Selling the house and starting over with a new address, different roads to drive each day, different company to work for, different places to shop, different school to drop Spencer off each morning, different couch to perch upon, different vehicle to drive...the list goes on. There are many things at this point that I still have a hard time with and bring sadness (Billy Joel, Dave Matthews, smells, sounds, places, etc.) due to the immediate memories that these sensory stimuli illicit, but I remind myself that where I stand today begins anew. I am truly at a blank slate from where I was even in May.

As the days tick by like a large clock, I look at my oldest and see just a few years left with him at home as he will launch off to college and beyond. Does he realize that he just entered this world?! I also see a budding 6 (7 on Oct 24th) year old crazy about being this age, loves to laugh yet still struggles immensly with separation anxiety. I love these guys. They are my breath and life. The clock ticks by too fast.

This blank slate of ours reminds me of a fresh canvas. We have the opportunity to paint a piece of art that is our life from scratch. Yes, parts of the canvas have been impacted by the past and that will never be changed, but we have a chance to dream. To live anew. To, as Isaiah states, "mount up with wings like eagles". We are growing new wings, new talons, new beaks. The brush sits in our hands. We stand before the ezel to start anew.

I can't help but use another illustration to go along with this canvas. I remember the first time, I rode my bike in the hill country. I was surrounded by sounds I had never heard, scenery I had only beheld in pictures, and animals that I literally slowed down to gaze upon. Endless hills surrounded me as I pedaled through God's workmanship and I found myself in awe of His creation and craftsmanship. Our journey takes us on a ride much like that first ride on Upper Crabapple Road in Fredericksburg, TX. It will be challenging. I will be beautiful. There will be days that I want to quit. There will be days that I smile from ear to ear as bask in the wind of God's grace riding downhill in His creation. There will be days where I stop to smell the roses. There will be days that I hammer the pedals and am driven to aspire to some goal and make it to a certain point by a certain time. There will be days that I don't think I can make it to the top of a steep hill and He will be there to encourage me to hammer that much harder. Most importantly, it is not about finishing the ride, but enjoying the journey of this new road. I don't know where it ends. What hills and mountains I will have to traverse. One thing I do know, He will be there with me the entire route cheering me on with encouragement with my boys as we gaze upon His creation.

Ready...set....go


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

The Over-Comer - Two Great Victories - A Humbled and Motivated Dad

One thing rings true as a single dad raising two boys almost ten years apart in age...when a victory arrives, it can be both humbling and motivating at the same time. This fact came to fruition just a couple of weeks ago when Chandler came home with a rather beaming smile upon his mug.

"Dad! I made varsity theater for my junior year! And...(he pauses)...are you ready for this?"

"Sure, Champ (I have called him Champ since his T-Ball days at the Y when he was a spry 5 years old)!"

"I also have all A's and B's!"

The same smile ran across my face as I knew how much work, study, and preparation he put into his grades and the monologue for varsity auditions. The theater teacher told him after he finished to speak with him. They talked about grades. Chandler communicated his commitment level and then the teacher looked at him and said, "Chandler, you did fantastic." At that, my son was completely thrilled, pumped, and motivated even more to keep his grades at the level he had raised them to currently. Two more weeks have passed and his grades now stand at all A's and two B's. Amazing. Simply amazing. Not that his grades have climbed to this level, but that they have elevated to this height in the midst of the past 2 1/2 years.

A wonderful friend of mine whom I respect and love, Curt, told me that Chandler is an over-comer. I have never thought of him this way, but now, I can not agree more. Proud? Yes. Humbled? Definitely.

These victories fuel motivation both in him and, believe or not, me as a dad. The victories communicate that things really do get better over time.

Let's face it, as a single parent, it is a challenge to say the least to balance kids, a clean home (yep - I fail here miserably!), laundry, yard, career, making meals, grocery shopping, helping with homework, teacher conferences, school activities, sports activities, church activities, dishes, etc etc etc.So, when my son has some victories like this, it motivates me as a dad to keep moving forward day by day by day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, it is all a person can do and that is okay I am learning. God just wants us to trust Him one moment at a time. His grace is sufficient. He leads us to victory. He humbles us with that victory and motivates us to keep going. Easy victories don't come with the satisfaction that the difficult victories bring where we sweat it out and struggle to get across the finish line stretching ourselves for the tape. We have to be as Curt so elegantly put it, over-comers.

Chandler is doing this and it is exciting to watch. Over-comer? You bet.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

New Year...2012...One Day At A Time

Chandler wrote on his Facebook status that he is looking forward to 2012 to be a year that will not be filled with drama and a year of peace. I don't think I could echo him any louder. The last two years have taught me to live life one day at a time, to not take anyone or anything for granted, and thank the Lord that my biggest blessing outside of my salvation are my two boys.

Normally, when I write, I slather (is that really a word?) in some witty humor. This entry leans to the more serious side. It has been two years:

Where I am now:


I still cry.

My focus remains on my boys which helps keep me centered as well as my relationship with Christ.

I sleep better some nights than others. Last night was one of those nights. I woke at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. This still happens and I suppose will eventually get better.

I still can't listen to certain musicians (sorry Dave Matthews - still too hard), watch certain movies, or go certain places.

Kingwood is not easy to live in, but I choose to as I know it is the most stable environment for Chandler and Spencer right now. Way too many memories all over the place going back to high school.

The friends I have are numerous and amazing. Without them, I would probably be in a padded room with a tight fitting jacket being fed by an orderly named Helga.

My family remains a strong support. They have been there for me since everything happened. Knowing that will not change is comforting.

Moving forward has not been easy. It is a process. It is not an event. I will probably never look back and say, "I moved forward on 'x' day." Some people I have spoken with have said this and others have not...mine will be a process. Spending 23 years of my life with someone, 17 of them married, and having it end in an instant along with the abandonment of children is not only difficult to go through, it is brutal on all levels...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. The consequences I would not wish on anyone...especially to my kids.
But..............two years later:

I smile more.

I laugh more and with more people.

My sons bring me joy.

I have learned that I can have joy and not be filled with happiness and that is okay.

I am slowly finding fun in riding my bike again.

This will be the first year that I set goals for myself in a long time and I am looking forward to it.

Even though I still hurt, grieve and have a lot of unaswered questions, I have come to the realization that I will hurt and grieve less and that understanding what happened will really never happen...and that is okay!

My heart will always have scars now. This doesn't mean it stops beating. It just means that I have a story, a ministry, a burden, and empathy for those who have suffered the same loss...especially those who have dealt with abandonment as a child.

Healing is not an instant. Healing happens incrementally and I have to be open to it.

Even though I have made mistakes since everything happened, some of them big, I am still loved and chosen by the Lord. My boys and I are going to be alright.

God's grace is sufficient. Praise God. His grace is sufficient.

Peace. It is a good thing to ask God for in 2012. Chandler will be 16 in March. He has grown up so much in two years. I am very proud of him. He has so much to look forward to in his life. My prayer is that he will love the Lord and be able to have the peace he seeks which can only come from the Lord.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!