The Cahill Family Christmas...2015...Building New Memories

The thought that Christmas number three in this house waits in the wings stirs some memories and nostalgia. I looked on my Facebook feed earlier this morning and lo and behold, a message told that I had memories to take a gander upon from years past. Of course I looked! A number of them stuck out to me and made me smile:

Spencer’s first time really helping decorate the tree back in 2008. His face glowed with excitement as he hooked the ornaments up on the branches of the Christmas tree. Fast forward to last night and he still lights up as bright as strands on our current tree when I pull out the ornaments. He loves this time of year. He remembers a lot of the ornaments. This year he set up the little Christmas Village for the first time all by himself. 

Chandler’s 7^th grade play, American Idle, made me chuckle. It blows my mind that this feels like yesterday yet at that the same time looks like so long ago. An incredible reminder to me to not blink too many times. Chalin is in 8^th grade now. He will be in Chandler’s shoes soon studying for finals in college. It all goes so fast.

Christmas at the barn with my sis. She just recently moved her horses from the old and famed Trails End in Kingwood to another barn which has opened so many doors for her when it comes to lessons, riding, and personal time. The memories of Christmas at the Barn though will always remain in a special place in the heart though. My sis went all out by dressing up her horses, hoisting up kiddos to feed carrots to them, and posing for pics with everyone.

Three years ago, the boys and I moved into Ohana. The move stood for something. The sojourn from Bear Branch to the new place marked a new beginning for the three of us. Seeing some pics from 2012 of the view from the second story window with literally brought back the emotions from when we first got here. Filled with the hope of a new beginning, little did I know where these moments would take me. Today, the last home in the neighborhood begins the construction process. The cleared land awaits preparation for workers to start plotting plumbing, cables, and then the inevitable foundation. Once that finishes up, time starts ticking away and in just a few months this last home in the neighborhood will stand and construction will cease in this small location in Kingwood.

On the horizon, the sun’s rising colors invade a darkened sky. New memories anticipated around each corner. My one year old family put up our Christmas Tree last night – minus Chandler as he is in Corpus studying for finals, but we saved some decorations for him – and each person put up some decorations around the house. Terra had a splendid idea. Let the kids put all of the decorations out wherever they wanted, so that we start making it completely new. She’s such a blessing and wonderful bride.

I look forward to the future when I get to look on the timeline of memories, whether it is Facebook or sitting and looking at pictures on the Mac, and seeing these pictures of the tree and remembering the feeling of Chalin helping with the lights. Spencer creating the village, and Terra putting some ornaments on the tree. The banister awaits Chandler’s touch when he arrives from Corpus. It’s his specialty.  

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Thanksgiving and The New Beginning - Thank You...Everyone!

Thanksgiving. Thankfulness. Thanks. Where to start? As I sit in the breakfast area of the LaQuinta surrounded by the aroma of freshly brewed Community Coffee (yes I chose the Dark Roast with Chicory) here in the thriving metropolis of Hammond, LA, I ponder on this Thanksgiving the numerous people who have poured their hearts into my life. So many individuals sacrificed time, given words, shed tears, brought laughter, and so many other things to my life since that fateful day - March 11, 1969. I want to take some time to thank those who have impacted my life. There is no real order to this, but I did decide to save my most recent and the person who has built my hope for a future for last of course.

Thankful for my parents for getting everything started (I know...TMI...hee hee).

Thankful for my dad for teaching me work ethic, love, loyalty, service, family priorities, and that nothing is free in life. The older he gets the more his heart grows. He has such a love for his grandchildren. He is the quintessential grandpa.

Thankful for Jan. You love my dad. You make him smile. You travel the world with him which grants one of his dreams to come true. You greet us with a smile.

Thankful for my mom. She taught me the importance of having a big heart, a good attitude, nurture, how to fall asleep on a couch before 8:30, and some of the best southern sayings on the planet. I miss her all of the time yet so thankful for the time I was blessed with for the thirty years I had her.

Thankful for my sister. We fought like the proverbial cat and dog growing up and now grow closer each and every day. How special is that? I'd take a bullet for her and she'd do the same while riding her horse. To have her so close by is something I never want to take for granted. It sure beats the 9 hour drive to Oklahoma.

Thankful for the rest of the Cahill family. Bobby, Sandra, Scott (I miss you and think of you often still), Jenny and Vince - I don't think I laugh more until I am around all of you. The reminiscing of stories growing up. The constant stories of my dad that make me roll on the floor (sometimes literally). You always bring a smile to my face and I just wish we saw each other more often.

Thankful for my grandparents. The smell of fried chicken will always remind me of my childhood. The wit of my grandpa. The strength of my grandma. The giving hearts of both of them. Need I say more?

Thankful for my Chandler and Spencer. Ten years apart. Totally different yet so much a like. Love them more than words can express. I well up inside knowing what we have been through together. The Lord is going to use these two. I just know it. He hasn't brought them through so much for His word on their lives to return void. They bring true joy to my heart.

Thankful for Chalin. My "bonus boy". My heart grows each day knowing that he is part of the family now. What a privilege. Love this boy and can't wait to see how God uses him. He is talented, naturally brilliant and has a quick wit. Love this bonus in my life. What a blessing!

Thankful for the Zaruba's. Robin and Danielle have been there for me and Spencer especially throughout so much of the past five years. I don't think I could ever come close to repaying them for all they have done. What an amazing family. When the Lord created these two, he ran out of room in their chests because their hearts are so big.

Thankful for the Barrett's. What amazing friends. They have served us, loved us, laughed and cried with us. All while going through the worst pain parents could ever conceive. The loss of a child. I love you Chad and Melissa. I love your kiddos. I miss your precious Kristina. I am so thankful the Lord put you in my life. So fortunate to call you friends.

Thankful for Curt Williams. What can I say about Curt? I can't be thankful enough for a friend who loves when it's tough. Suffers when there is no strength left. Counsels when the words aren't popular. Clings to God's word when it's viewed as archaic. Loves his wife, Shelley, and family publicly and privately with a servant's heart. Loves the unlovely. Touches the untouchable. Hugs the unhuggable. Thank you for your example of biblical Christianity.

Thankful for Jerrell. This man has stuck with me through thick and thin since I was 15 years old. He is always only a phone call away even though is a 24+ hours away by car. He is one of the best listeners I have met. His desire has always been to take away pain and heartache. He truly has a heart for knowledge of scripture and how to apply that to his life. Amazing friend.

Thankful for Woody and Tracie. I love these two people. I can't think of a couple who loves each other more publicly yet are so different in personality. The glue that constantly grows them closer together is their passion for the lost, heart for the hopeless and devotion to their kids and grand daughter. What a blessing to call them friends. They have done more for me, Terra, Chandler, Spencer and Chalin than they know. They make us laugh. They challenge our hearts and minds. They are true friends.

Thankful for Jason. This guy loves. That's all there is to it. I don't think I have ever met a man who has a deeper passion for the word love and how that is lived out to the flock he pastors, to his friends (me included), to his bride of so many years, and to ministry. He and I have known each other since 1987. He has always been a friend that "sticks closer than a brother". The type where we pick up right where we left off each time we talk or meet.

Thankful for Rick and Nina. This couple is gold pure and simple. They have been here for me constantly for years. Not just a phone call away. They drop everything when they can to help and to love. They are such great examples of pouring their hearts and lives into their kids. Such a lost art in today's society. This couple knows the secret! They empower their boys to succeed and fail. What an amazing gift to watch. So blessed to call these two my friends. They are adopted Cahill's and we are adopted Dodgen's. The fact that that will always be the case makes my heart happy. Rick was one of the first to look at me in the eyes, after spending time with Terra at the MS 150, and asked me what the world I was waiting for? He saw almost immediately how special of a woman Terra really is and that she and I just fit each other. Thank you, Rick.

Thankful for Madelyn. She is a phenomenal friend who has been there for me through so many times and trials. An incredible lady who loves God, has a heart for her children and is always there to listen. 

Thankful for Phil and Caroline. Friends that keep in touch no matter the schedule. Phil has the gift of encouragement and Caroline has the gift of service. Put those two together and the blessings are bountiful. 

Thankful for Clark. What a great friend and so fun to watch the Lord work in this man's heart. Big heart. Gentle spirit. The Lord is going to use him in amazing ways. Thank you for being my friend.

Thankful for Dean Fullerton. Dean has become a great friend (since 2002) and business partner (since 2012). He believes in people. He shows grace. He is ethical and fair in his business practices. He loves his bride and kiddos (grown and still at home). A great example of big kid, smart business man, and lover of those less fortunate due to his love for the Lord. So thankful the Lord put this man and his family in my path.

Thankful for Duane Mills. How can I put together a list of thankfulness without Duane? The man gave me the "double-take" when I asked him about "all of this Jesus-stuff" back on January 23, 1985. He loved me enough to walk me through not only Who Jesus is, but how to walk with Him and enjoy a rich relationship with Christ. Duane taught me the importance of spending time with people one-on-one and how that makes such an impact on those seeking to know more about a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thankful for Jeff Chandler. My years of interning under this man were some of the most memorable of all of the ten years of vocational ministry from 1989-1999. Never have I met a man with more of a passion for evangelism, broken-heart for teenagers, and creative mind for ministry. So thankful for my time with Jeff, the fact that we are still friends to this day and that he is still a grace-giver.

Thankful for Bill and Sue Himmell. What a couple. I had the privilege of serving with this couple from 1991-1995 in Pearland at Fellowship Bible Church. God did amazing things through these people. I learned so much about humility, not taking myself so darn seriously, and loving unconditionally. They are still friends to this day that I can pick up the phone and call. Sue has such a love for Bill and Bill for Sue. What an amazing example. This couple sets the benchmark when it comes to long-suffering as they have served at FBC since the 80's. God has a special mansion and crown for couples like this.

Thankful for Tom and Maureen. A lot of ups and downs in the last five years. Such a love for their grandchildren. Such a heart for embracing change when it is difficult. Accepting my new bride and bonus child with open arms. Great pictures of grace and mercy this couple and so thankful they are still in my life when with all that has happened the since 2009, so many would have walked away. The door is always open.

Thankful for Terra. My bride. My heartbeat. My breath. You have given me a new grapefruit. The jolt of happiness I experience when I see your smile (you know the one...yep when your eyes disappear) brings more to my immediate life than water for nourishment in a dessert. Who would have thought that a refrigerator, a drama ministry, a friendship, and a few beers and margaritas would bring us to a young amazing marriage. You could have walked away so many times (and I wouldn't have blamed you in the least), but you chose patience over impatience. You decided to show grace and mercy toward me over misunderstanding and judgement. You fell in love with not only me, but my boys. You love them unconditionally like they are yours. That kind of love only comes from the Father. God gave you a heart for the three of us. For me. For Chandler. For Spencer. To express how much an answer to prayer would be impossible with the written word. You would need to carve into my emotionally scarred heart to see just how much this truly means to me as a dad and as a man. I am thankful to wake up next to you every morning. Thankful when we cook together. Thankful when we exercise together. Thankful when we make the time to pray together. Thankful for your heart for God, ministry to ladies, your love for the simple, your passion to have fun and explore, your giving spirit, your sacrificial spirit, and your ability to make the complex understandable. I love how you dream of the future with me. I love the fact that you want to see us grow closer and stronger as a married couple each day. I love that allow me to lead even when I fail and then you don't judge. You embrace grace. You display mercy. I love you, Terra. I am so thankful God dropped you in my life back in the summer of 2012 at such a trying time in my life. You waited a year before I was ready to date. You were patient with me when I was frightened to tell many people. You stayed with me all throughout the next year and a half until I finally "took the leap of faith" to ask you to be my bride. What a beautiful picture of Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31 you are to me and countless others. I love you.

There truly are several others I am sure that I have not mentioned and I am sorry if I didn't mention you. I don't want to hurt feelings in any way.

So much to write about now! I can't wait to get started! Oh wait...I just did. <[8^}

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Hope...

Hope.

Hope brings me vision.

Hope sustains me through difficult times.

Hope raises me out of bed in the morning to tackle the day.

Hope disperses the mundane.

Hope opens doors when others have been slammed shut.

Hope stirs the soul's fire when despair has attempted to toss water on the flame.

Hope starts new dreams and keeps older ones alive.

Hope fills the glass that was half empty to overflowing and spilling over into aspects of life that I never thought could be touched.

Hope reaches down to pull me up when I am at the bottom and points me to a Savior who is completely crazy about me.

Hope pushes me to be better for my two sons.

Hope aids in the healing of the past and ushers in the meaning of "new creation in Christ".

Hope keeps my eyes fixed on the prize.

Hope presses the re-start button each day so that I keep looking forward and dwell on the past.

Hope will grow me past PTSD.

Hope gives me the future that I thought could not be attained.

Hope doesn't drain me...it motivates me everyday.

Hope brings a smile to my face when I watch my two sons laugh, fills me with warmth when I hug them, wipes my tears away when there is pain, and holds all of the pieces together when I think all is lost.

Hope.

Hope is bigger than me.

Hope is the Lord God Almighty. Crazy about me. Crazy about my sons. Wants the best for us. Wants us to succeed. Desires an intimate relationship with us because we are His creation. His masterpiece of art.

I am so thankful He gave me His Hope.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Discussions by Candlelight Wrapped in a Bath Towel - Happy New Year

Spencer the Sheepdog in the Kids Christmas Musical

New Year's Eve. Throughout the past, I have celebrated this holiday with a spread of emotion from exuberance with fireworks to nights in the bed in tears fearing what the next year would bring. Quite the range, I know. There seems to be hope on the horizon for now. With a new home, celebrating Christmas in the Ohana and now facing a New Year, the excitement of heading to a New Year's Eve party with the MOB (the name of my Sunday School class that I attend quite inconsistently) with a quick stop over to some great friends, the Medley's, filled my heart. The last few New Year's have not been so joyous, so having one to look forward to turned into quite the blessing.

Talking on the phone with a good friend, the power jolted in my home. Even my cell phone dropped the call. My seven year old fears the dark more than the average first grader, so I quickly snagged the lighter to light some candles. He started to cry as I quickly created light to bring both sight and comfort to the little guy's mind. How do you explain to a child that has such a big fear of darkness that he is going to be just fine and not be eaten up by some unseen thing or worse that same darkness somehow swallow us whole and turn spit us out in some foreign place or other planet (not that he thinks this, but that would be kinda scary!).

I quickly thought of what I could do to keep him distracted. I own a battery operated atomic clock that sits on my night stand. All a person has to do is push it down and there is instant light showing the time with seconds ticking away with the date and current temperature. What a cool toy! Spencer became my stopwatch. I needed to get in a workout anyway, so why not get in 30 minutes on the bike trainer while he gives me the cues to slow down and speed up on the pedals or sit and stand out of the saddle?

Mark it down folks! It worked! For the next 35 minutes, I would tell him the time that he needed to watch for and give me the signal. I would then speed up or slow down or stand or sit or change gears, etc etc etc. Spencer, unknowingly, turned into a wonderful workout partner.

It also put us behind on schedule. I figured the power would pop back on during the workout. No wind. No storm. No rain. Nothing. Yet, the power just quit. As I cooled down for 15 minutes he was completely proud of himself for helping dad with his workout. Still no power after the cool down. I needed to shower. I carried the lit candle into the bathroom and placed it on the counter. I gave Spencer my clock and fired up another candle for him. I took a shower by candle light. When I snagged the towel and wrapped it around me, Spencer came into the bathroom.

Out of the blue, he asked a question about my mom. This was a first. I told him that my mom would have loved him and he would have loved her as well (my mom passed away in 1999). He said that he missed his mom. I told him that I understood and asked him if he remembered his mommy when she was here.

**Sidenote - I have been encouraged by professionals that when he initiates conversations like this to listen and ask questions that lead to open ended questions as well. 

He shook his head. I asked him what he did remember about his mommy being with us. He gave a shoulder shrug. So, I asked him whether his memories were good or bad of mommy being here. He said that they were good. I told that he needs those good memories. We talked about some memories. We laughed about some. We were saddened by others (mainly the ones that she has missed).

Needless to say, this was a breakthrough. A seven year old freely sharing like this is a great thing. I sat there in my dark closet with a towel wrapped around me for 20 minutes listening and talking with my little 7 year old in a way that I didn't think would happen for at least another 4 years from now. A window opened and I saw a smidgen of his heart, his memories, his sadness, his loss, and his current happiness.

We missed the chance to go to our friends, but made the MOB party. Spencer and I had a ball.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Time That Will Never Be Forgotten

Chandler posing at Joe's Crab Shack - Don't know where he gets it from!

We found it. After numerous homes, two potential offers that were eventually pulled and endless driving all over Kingwood, we drove by a nice French Colonial home in Bear Branch. It was perfect. It even had the magnolia tree in the backyard that she had hoped for in addition to a bay window looking out to the backyard. We put in an offer the next day and moved in by December of 1999.

Chandler was only three and my time away from youth ministry? Not even a year yet. Spencer? Not even a glimmer of a thought. There, before us, stood our future. We built memories at this home that will last forever. I cannot begin to write the numerous times we all laughed (sometimes to the point of tears), had friends over for meals or card games, hosted Super Bowls, played kickball out front, teeball and baseball, took walks around the block or on the greenbelt, and many many many other memories from our family.

2009 changed all of that. Friday the 13th came and went like an atomic bomb. Now, almost three years later, the house was finally sold. Happy memories were replaced with haunting ones. Flashbacks became nightmares in the middle of the night. Tears of sadness and hurt substituted the laughter. Walking down a hallway, I could almost hear voices from the past, but the hallowed sounds were not holy anymore, but curses. Instead of bringing me to my knees in humility with the blessing of a full family, I fell to my face begging for answers and eventually the deliverance from what was once a refuge which had turned into a place filled with heartache and anguish.

No matter how many ways I changed the furniture around, painted walls, took down old pictures/paintings and placed new ones in their places, the memories still played in my mind like a looping movie reel.

Now, we had a buyer and the sale went through. We held an epic garage sale. Whatever didn't sell, we donated to HAAM. The next weekend, we spent the time putting everything together for the packers. After the packers finished, we made the move to the apartment. Spencer stayed the night with some friends. We had just about finished trucking everything from our sold 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath 2800 square foot home to our 2 bedroom 2 bath 1200 square foot apartment.

Chandler and I drove the Jeep back to the house for a few extra things before we went to bed at the apartment. As we walked into the house, an eerie feeling came over me. I was brought back in time to the first time I had walked into the family room in 1999. I remembered feeling the new carpet, seeing the leaves rustle in the Magnolia through the cool autumn breeze in the backyard, and the smile on her face that this was the place. I must have stood in the middle of that room for 5 minutes before snapping back into reality.

I started to fill one of the boxes with a few things and ended up filling the Jeep with a number of our belongings. I opened the back door and realized that I had not seen Chandler since we arrived. I knew where he was. I could feel it. As I pushed open the door to what was once his room for the vast majority of his life, he sat in a lone chair against the wall next to the door. A tear fell down his left cheek and he wiped it away.

I hugged him. We talked about the numerous memories in his room. Endless nights of reading books in his bunk bed with the cool light bulb hanging over his top bunk. Nerf basketball matches so intense that his closet doors eventually had to come off. Sleepovers. Neighborhood kids playing kickball. The memories were many. We both struggled to find words. I gazed upon Chanlder's face and he mine. We both hugged and wept for a good 5 minutes. We had to leave this house. We both knew it. We both knew how hard it all of a sudden had become to do just that and yet we knew it was the right thing.

I asked Chandler if he wanted me to pray. He said yes. So, I took his hands into mine and prayed. I wept as I praised God for all of the good memories at this wonderful home that he had blessed us with for almost 13 years. I also thanked Him that He opened the door for a new place to build new memories and have a new beginning for the three of us.

We stood. We hugged again. We walked to the Jeep and slowly drove away down the street for the last time together away from his childhood home. It was over yet we both knew that God had acted so quickly to sell this house that there was no mistaking the fact that we were walking the right road and that the Lord was in the middle of everything. God brought a smile to my face as Chandler drove back with me to the apartment. I was proud of my 16 year old. He opened up and we had a very intimate father/son moment that I will never forget for the rest of my life. We shared stories. We wept. We prayed. We rejoiced. What else can a dad ask for?

My grace is sufficient you...One Day At A Time!

The Over-Comer - Two Great Victories - A Humbled and Motivated Dad

One thing rings true as a single dad raising two boys almost ten years apart in age...when a victory arrives, it can be both humbling and motivating at the same time. This fact came to fruition just a couple of weeks ago when Chandler came home with a rather beaming smile upon his mug.

"Dad! I made varsity theater for my junior year! And...(he pauses)...are you ready for this?"

"Sure, Champ (I have called him Champ since his T-Ball days at the Y when he was a spry 5 years old)!"

"I also have all A's and B's!"

The same smile ran across my face as I knew how much work, study, and preparation he put into his grades and the monologue for varsity auditions. The theater teacher told him after he finished to speak with him. They talked about grades. Chandler communicated his commitment level and then the teacher looked at him and said, "Chandler, you did fantastic." At that, my son was completely thrilled, pumped, and motivated even more to keep his grades at the level he had raised them to currently. Two more weeks have passed and his grades now stand at all A's and two B's. Amazing. Simply amazing. Not that his grades have climbed to this level, but that they have elevated to this height in the midst of the past 2 1/2 years.

A wonderful friend of mine whom I respect and love, Curt, told me that Chandler is an over-comer. I have never thought of him this way, but now, I can not agree more. Proud? Yes. Humbled? Definitely.

These victories fuel motivation both in him and, believe or not, me as a dad. The victories communicate that things really do get better over time.

Let's face it, as a single parent, it is a challenge to say the least to balance kids, a clean home (yep - I fail here miserably!), laundry, yard, career, making meals, grocery shopping, helping with homework, teacher conferences, school activities, sports activities, church activities, dishes, etc etc etc.So, when my son has some victories like this, it motivates me as a dad to keep moving forward day by day by day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, it is all a person can do and that is okay I am learning. God just wants us to trust Him one moment at a time. His grace is sufficient. He leads us to victory. He humbles us with that victory and motivates us to keep going. Easy victories don't come with the satisfaction that the difficult victories bring where we sweat it out and struggle to get across the finish line stretching ourselves for the tape. We have to be as Curt so elegantly put it, over-comers.

Chandler is doing this and it is exciting to watch. Over-comer? You bet.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Bluebonnets, Memories...Old and New

When God created bluebonnets, He had to be thinking of Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas as they say. The bluebonnet? The biggest beauty of wildflowers in my book.

The bluebonnets are not only the Texas state flower, but in this family, a tradition. It might not be a yearly addition in the Cahill Crew, but we try to make it a special run as often as possible. It has been a few years. The last time we motored up 290 toward Hempstead and Brenham was three years ago.

Yes...another first. The concern, to be completely honest, mounted in my mind for my oldest. A lot of memories in the head from past trips not only three years ago, but many others throughout the years. Both boys really wanted to take a drive to a field of these beautiful wild flowers, take Savannah (Chandler's very sweet girlfriend) and shoot some lasting pictures. I obliged of course.

Back up a second though. Saturday evening. Bed time. Putting the little guy to bed, I finished reading to him and Spencer wanted to talk about the bluebonnets. My mouth literally fell open over the next few moments.

"Daddy, do you remember when we went to the bluebonnets?" Spencer asked.

"Uhh...sure." I said, not knowing that he actually remembered three years prior when he was a sprite 3 years old.

"We all went, daddy. You, me, Chandler and mommy." He said.

I nodded and said, "Yes, buddy. I remember that day. Do you remember that day too?"

"Uh huh. That was a great day. We all had a lot of fun."

"Yes. We did. That is a great memory, buddy."

And then out of nowhere came this...

"Is mommy ever coming home?" Spencer asked. Yes. You read that correctly.

It has been two and a half years. My mouth fell open. My heart sank to my shoes. I did the best I could do as this took me by total surprise.

"Buddy, mommy isn't coming home. She has a new home with a new person. It is you and me and Chandler now. You still get to see mommy and talk to her, but she is not coming home. She still loves you, buddy."

The lip quivered. The tears ran. He reached up for me. I grabbed him and he wept for 5 solid minutes in my arms. I just held the little guy. I told him that I loved him and that I was here for him and that his brother was here as well. I thought about cancelling the trip to the bluebonnets that was slated for the next day after church. I was angry. I was hurt. Emotions flooded my mind, my heart, my soul...all for this little innocent 6 year old with a memory. More than one memory. Good memories. Scary memories. Emotion filled memories.

Where to go from here?

After he settled down, I prayed over him God's blessing and to touch his heart and bring him joy and happiness. He asked if we could pray for mommy. I told him we could and we prayed for God to bless her as well. I asked him if he still wanted to go after church the next day and he said that he really did, but wanted to bring some of his buddies (stuffed animals). I told him that that would be great and that they would probably love the bluebonnets too!

I kissed him on his forehead, turned out the light, and walked out of the his room.

After church the next day, we picked up Savannah and journeyed west out 290 to find a field of bluebonnets. We didn't even have to get to Hempstead before we came upon one the largest fields of bluebonnets I have ever seen. We pulled over and scampered through these beautiful wild flowers. As I snapped pictures of the boys, of Chandler and Savannah, and of Spencer and his "buddies", I thought how much this memory would etch into their minds as well. We laughed. We ran. We basked in God's glorious creation.

I stopped and looked out over the field, thought back, fought back a tear and then looked at the boys. My two sons. Happy. Chandler with his girlfriend being silly running through the bluebonnets hand in hand...giggling. Spencer laying down in the flowers looking up at the sky with his Hot Wheels sunglasses and "buddies". A new memory. Another new beginning. This is good.

Abandonment is brutal. It has such a lasting effect. The research out there states that most kids will be impacted for the rest of their lives even if the abandonment happened when they were quite young as in Spencer's case. Saturday night's question and breakdown proved that to me even more as he summoned up a memory from three years ago. Who would have ever guessed he would remember something from when he was three? Truly amazing. That day obviously had a large impact on him and served as a positive memory for him.

We all built new memories that day. All of them positive. All lasting. All fun. All with smiles. The lasting impact of abandonment and divorce might be scarring, but who says we can't build great lasting positive memories that can hopefully overshadow some of that pain? God is all about joy. He is all about fullness. And as my good friend Chad so famously states, "God is bigger." He is, Chad.

Bigger field of wildflowers. Bigger smiles that day. Bigger laughs. New Bigger Memories. God is Bigger.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rainy Days and Hot Wheel Tracks



The storm rolled in around 3:00 a.m. when my little one staggered in my room quite frightened from the loud thunder clap. I had heard the sound and knew it would only be a matter of moments when the knob of my bedroom door would be turned and the sound of whimpering would follow along with the pitter patter of feet.

"Daddy, I'm scared."

"It's okay, buddy. I'm here. Do you want to sleep in here with daddy?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Crawl in..."

Spencer climbs in my king size sleigh bed and pulls the covers up all the way to his neck as he clutches his wooby and gets so close to me that I feel like I am about to fall out of this large bed.

The rain came. The skies opened up and I started to wonder if an ark construction was in the plans for the Houston area. Spencer fell asleep quickly. I lie awake listening to the rain hit the roof and roll off into the yard as the grass sucked up the well needed replenishing.

The parallels struck me so evidently. For two years, the storms have raged. At times, I have felt like drowning in the pain could be the only lot left in life. I watch and listen to my boys struggle at times, but as time moves forward, a little rain brings nourishment. We stretch forward like a blade of grass yearning for fresh water. As it hits us, we take it in, close our eyes and await the next hit of refreshment.

Not only do these rainy days have the potential to bring us this well-needed hit of  rejuvenation, but they can also be a needed change of plans. I had wanted to get on my bike and put in some well-needed miles. Instead, we ended up building a Hot Wheels track in the family room and tested numerous cars to see which one(s) worked best with the two power boosters. This started our day off with some great time together. Sure, I missed a workout, but I gained a memory. The rain is good not only for the ground, grass, trees, plants, etc. It brought about a quick change of plans as simple as a Hot Wheel track.

The journey is one day at a time. It needs simplicity...not complexity. Isn't God wonderful Who brings in the weather to usher in simplicity in our lives and make the important a reality.

I still worked out later. I took the boys to the gym and lifted with Chandler while Spencer made some new friends in the childcare area. The teachers fell in love with him immediately. My boys have that effect on people. They are lovable because He is loving toward us. In the midst of storms, He has refreshed us with His grace and mercy. The journey continues.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Water Under the Bridge

Time heals goes the famous saying. The question I would like to ponder and throw out would be how much time? How much water must go under a bridge for there to be healing?

A long long time. An ocean of water. This is my feeling today, August 1, 2011. There are two days on the calendar that are painful to me personally. This one and November 13. The scars drive deep. The pain can only be described as gutwrenching.

This is a day where my feeling is that I want to go home. Only...I already am home. I also want to move somewhere...far far far away. Change is good. Changing my venue would be a good thing for me at this point, but where do I go? I am always there and so will the pain. It will follow me no matter where I unpack my bags and hang my bike helmet.

Today is  a tough day. Tomorrow might be better. I hope so. But, I don't know at this point. I must figure out a way to move forward with my life. I do plan on a new support in the fall. Praying that helps some.

Praise the Lord I have my boys. I don't know where I would be without them.

Come on water...rush under the bridge. May time heal...one day at a time.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!