New Year...2012...One Day At A Time

Chandler wrote on his Facebook status that he is looking forward to 2012 to be a year that will not be filled with drama and a year of peace. I don't think I could echo him any louder. The last two years have taught me to live life one day at a time, to not take anyone or anything for granted, and thank the Lord that my biggest blessing outside of my salvation are my two boys.

Normally, when I write, I slather (is that really a word?) in some witty humor. This entry leans to the more serious side. It has been two years:

Where I am now:


I still cry.

My focus remains on my boys which helps keep me centered as well as my relationship with Christ.

I sleep better some nights than others. Last night was one of those nights. I woke at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. This still happens and I suppose will eventually get better.

I still can't listen to certain musicians (sorry Dave Matthews - still too hard), watch certain movies, or go certain places.

Kingwood is not easy to live in, but I choose to as I know it is the most stable environment for Chandler and Spencer right now. Way too many memories all over the place going back to high school.

The friends I have are numerous and amazing. Without them, I would probably be in a padded room with a tight fitting jacket being fed by an orderly named Helga.

My family remains a strong support. They have been there for me since everything happened. Knowing that will not change is comforting.

Moving forward has not been easy. It is a process. It is not an event. I will probably never look back and say, "I moved forward on 'x' day." Some people I have spoken with have said this and others have not...mine will be a process. Spending 23 years of my life with someone, 17 of them married, and having it end in an instant along with the abandonment of children is not only difficult to go through, it is brutal on all levels...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. The consequences I would not wish on anyone...especially to my kids.
But..............two years later:

I smile more.

I laugh more and with more people.

My sons bring me joy.

I have learned that I can have joy and not be filled with happiness and that is okay.

I am slowly finding fun in riding my bike again.

This will be the first year that I set goals for myself in a long time and I am looking forward to it.

Even though I still hurt, grieve and have a lot of unaswered questions, I have come to the realization that I will hurt and grieve less and that understanding what happened will really never happen...and that is okay!

My heart will always have scars now. This doesn't mean it stops beating. It just means that I have a story, a ministry, a burden, and empathy for those who have suffered the same loss...especially those who have dealt with abandonment as a child.

Healing is not an instant. Healing happens incrementally and I have to be open to it.

Even though I have made mistakes since everything happened, some of them big, I am still loved and chosen by the Lord. My boys and I are going to be alright.

God's grace is sufficient. Praise God. His grace is sufficient.

Peace. It is a good thing to ask God for in 2012. Chandler will be 16 in March. He has grown up so much in two years. I am very proud of him. He has so much to look forward to in his life. My prayer is that he will love the Lord and be able to have the peace he seeks which can only come from the Lord.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Christmas and Terriyaki Sauce

One of the highlights to my Chirstmas each year comes when my sister arrives. The house becomes a constant funhouse. Spencer and Chandler have a ball with their cousins, Evan and Sydney while Aunt Vickie spoils all of them taking them places, baking and cooking. With this enviornment, the opportunity for classic memories, craziness and new "Spencerisms" are ripe for the taking. What is a Spencerism you ask? Simple. A saying that Spencer utters with perfect comedic timing to which he means in all seriousness.

Enter Pei Wei. Aunt Vickie cranked up her Christmas Sleigh (otherwise known as my dad's Yukon on loan since they flew in from Oklahoma on Tuesday) and loaded all four of her little elves for some shopping and other insundry errands for the day. Lunchtime brought with it a stop at that well-known Christmas delight, Pei Wei. The popular choice for most of Santa's little helpers turned out to be Terriyaki Chicken. Everyone gobbled their tasty lunch up including Spencer. He inhaled every bite and left the terriyaki proof all over his little six year old chin. In a rare move, Aunt Vickie failed to wipe a rather covered browned over area below and around my kindergartner's mouth from the sauce.

The day continued and the festivities proceeded as I entered my cave from my day at the office. I was greeted by the pattering and sprinting feet of my youngest doing his best impersonation of a koala bear holding onto a eucalyptus tree like his life depended on it! Yes, I am the tree. Following the quick Australian embrace, he was off for more cousin time. I didn't see him again until bedtime when I read The Little Drummer Boy to him (with push-button music of course). He turned over and was out like a light.

The next morning I woke up, showered, put on my clothes and started to head for the door as Aunt Vickie, Sydney and Spencer were in the game room watching Spongebob with the morning coffee and pop-tarts. As I began to tie my shoes, Spencer climbed in my lap with a big smile and another Aussie hug. As he puckered up his lips, I noticed something hanging from his chin. Yes, dried terriyaki sauce. None of us washed his covered face before he went to bed! I said, "Spinner, you are going to need a bath before you head out to Grandpa's with Aunt Vickie. You still have terriyaki sauce on your face!"

Spencer replied, "Well, I couldn't reach it all with my tongue, dad...Gosh!"

Yes. We all laughed. A Spencerism. Now you know.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Chicken Soup for the Soul

No, I am not writing about the book that was a sensation and multiplied itself into various versions of itself. As I sit and type this, Spencer sleeps in my bed after thunder clapped at 4:00 a.m. The alarm stood waiting to blare at 5:00 a.m. anyway, so I really only lost an hour of slumber. But, I really wanted that hour!

My little budding 5 year old has been quite ill since Thursday, so we have officially entered day 5 and hoping that I can drop him at school. Praise God that I have such an understanding boss. I worked from home most of Thursday once I received the phone call and all day on Friday. The poor little guy could not stop throwing up. His strength left him completely and lost 4 lbs. in just three days!

On Friday morning, Danielle came to the house and watched him for me as I ran an errand. Once I returned she told me something that sort of floored me. All he had done while I was gone was ask for me. Even with Danielle, he continues to want me over anyone else at all. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug, stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. What a trooper Danielle is to our family. I don't know where we would be without her and her family's support. It truly is unbelievable how much they have loved us and taken Spencer especially under their wings.

Spencer stayed sick the rest of the weekend with the vomitting ending on Friday afternoon. On Saturday, he stayed in my bed watching numerous runs of Spongebob and other educational programming while I attempted to get Pedialite down a child who literally drinks only ice water and the occasional chocolate milk. Neither of these choices work on an upset and cramping stomach, so I vainly attempted to shove pack Pedialite down a determined 5 year old's mouth. The battle of wills had begun. I won out most of the time, but on other occasions, I gave in as I realized a while ago that I do not need to win every little battle. He slowly began to eat as well. By Saturday night, he was eating an egg, some yogurt (he loves greek yogurt) and some crackers.

After returning from my company's skit practice in The Woodland's and picking him up from the Zaruba's, I went by HEB to pick up a favorite of my mom's. Chicken Noodle Soup. He loves it. After warming it up, placing an ice cube in it to cool it for him after scooping some in a little mug from the stove, he ate. He smiled. My heart warmed like the soup to his soul. All was good for a few minutes as he asked me to sit with him while he ate his soup.




My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rashes, Doctors, Walks, Water, and Furniture - A Day in the Life of a Single Dad...

I woke Spencer up to take Chandler to school yesterday. He scratched his back without stopping and said, “Daddy, my back itches.” I picked him up and looked. Sure enough there on his back sat a nice rash with welts! I walked him over to the mirror and better light. His back covered, I decided to stay at home and work while driving him to the doctor's office. I am so glad that I have an understanding boss. Later that morning, the doctor stated that it could either be an allergic reaction or viral. Spencer had no fever, so it seems the allergic reaction is the perpetrator. We'll see. The doc said to watch him the rest of this week and go from there.

Once I finished working, Spencer and I went on a walk with Woobie and Pinky, his two buddies. He loaded up the umbrella stroller and we were off for the greenbelt. He talked away to me about how Woobie would speed up the stroller. Of course, when “Woobie” did this, Spencer took off running while pushing the stroller at the same time. I sat back and soaked in this memory. We went by the pool and up another part of the path before turning back, going off trail, making tracks in the dirt, stopping to say hi to a new puppy from our neighbor and eventually to the back yard where Spencer played in “Jeepy” and I soaked him with the water hose as he passed by in circles in the backyard. What a great afternoon/evening.

We left the house to pick up Chandler at Savannah's. After talking with Emily a bit, we came home. Spencer stumbled in the house quite tired. Bedtime called. We read a book he checked out at the library. I brought him some water. He fell asleep quickly. Benadryl three times a day tends to do that!

The next item up for bids – Chandler's room. He wanted my help in moving his furniture around for him. I understood. I helped. It actually looks better.

I love being their dad. I love taking care of them. I had another thought while on the walk with Spencer, “How could she skip these memories?” I don't understand. I probably never will understand.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Balance Act...

I overslept again. I continue to struggle to find my drive right now for keeping in shape. When I pull out the courage to get on my bike I enjoy it. It invigorates me. I get a lot out of it. For some reason though, I battle it everyday. I want to race next year, but I cannot race in my physical shape currently. I would get spit out of the back of the field so fast.

The divorce care group stated a few things that I believe stand extremely true for me at this point.

1. My equilibrium is not stable: They stated 85% of my energy is focused on my emotions and only 15% is left for spiritual, physical, and psychological. Therefore, the other areas of my life continue to starve as my emotions are on emergency service.
2. My healing process paused due to my relationship with Lisa. I literally hit the pause button and invested that in a new relationship vs. getting myself healed up to deal with life itself.   

Now that it looks as if that relationship will finalize next week, I can attempt to get some equilibrium in other areas of my life.

I picked up Spencer last night and came home to a house with not a lot of groceries. Knowing that this weekend would be filled with cycling, soccer, Savanna, small groups, church, yard work and cleaning house, I didn't see where the trip to HEB would fit. So, I made the executive decision to get it done last night. I took Spencer with me as Chandler plugged away on his homework. About 10 minutes into this sojourn, I realized that this idea wasn't my brightest as of late. Spencer stood in the cart exhausted with dark circles in his eyes and having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence. I tried to speed through the isles as I literally tossed items into the cart. At one point, Spencer looked at me and said, “Daddy, I am falling asleep in the cart. When can we go home?” I felt horrible. What kind of a parent am I going to “big” grocery shopping on a Thursday evening. This boy needed his pj's on, brushing his teeth and tucked in bed in a short 10 minutes from now. I decided that the rest of the list could wait and sprinted for the checkout line. The two college age gals at the counter noticed the half asleep 5 year old barely able to stay vertical and helped unload the cart to the counter.

Once we arrived home, I quickly made Spencer's dinner. Chandler helped while talking with Savanna on the phone and got his frozen pizza ready for the oven. Spencer finished and looked at me with his big blue eyes. He reached up with his arms as if to save hims from something. He puckered his lips. He wanted a kiss. My heart melted. I picked him up, kissed him, and walked him to his bedroom. The groceries can wait. The important freezer items were put away in their cold spots. Spencer and I read his favorite Dr. Seuss book that night as he had to read a rhyming book for his class. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. I must admit that I adore reading to my kids. I construct different voices for characters and it literally turns into a little mini-dramatic reading at bedtime. He closed his eyes in no time and the sandman covered him.

I returned to the kitchen where Chandler fixed his plate of Digiorno Pepporoni and a breadstick. Ahhhhhh nutrition. Again, I joined him. Nutrition would have to wait this night. And that is okay.

Balancing acts. They too have their difficulties. I learned something tonight though. In the midst of my effort to get the shopping done at the wrong time, Spencer didn't mind. Chandler got to eat and finished his homework. Shopping. Yet another area that gets juggled in our lives. Something I still take for granted that was done by my spouse for the most part. It hurt to watch Spencer almost falling asleep in the store. He deserved better. Chandler should have had dinner by now. Now the feelings would come back with frustration and anger at her for abandoning her responsibilities, life, children, etc. It is all up to me now. Overwhelming? Sure. Sustainable? Starting to be? Balancing act? Certainly. And the balancing will not stop. It will continue everyday and....that's okay.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!