Christmas and Terriyaki Sauce

One of the highlights to my Chirstmas each year comes when my sister arrives. The house becomes a constant funhouse. Spencer and Chandler have a ball with their cousins, Evan and Sydney while Aunt Vickie spoils all of them taking them places, baking and cooking. With this enviornment, the opportunity for classic memories, craziness and new "Spencerisms" are ripe for the taking. What is a Spencerism you ask? Simple. A saying that Spencer utters with perfect comedic timing to which he means in all seriousness.

Enter Pei Wei. Aunt Vickie cranked up her Christmas Sleigh (otherwise known as my dad's Yukon on loan since they flew in from Oklahoma on Tuesday) and loaded all four of her little elves for some shopping and other insundry errands for the day. Lunchtime brought with it a stop at that well-known Christmas delight, Pei Wei. The popular choice for most of Santa's little helpers turned out to be Terriyaki Chicken. Everyone gobbled their tasty lunch up including Spencer. He inhaled every bite and left the terriyaki proof all over his little six year old chin. In a rare move, Aunt Vickie failed to wipe a rather covered browned over area below and around my kindergartner's mouth from the sauce.

The day continued and the festivities proceeded as I entered my cave from my day at the office. I was greeted by the pattering and sprinting feet of my youngest doing his best impersonation of a koala bear holding onto a eucalyptus tree like his life depended on it! Yes, I am the tree. Following the quick Australian embrace, he was off for more cousin time. I didn't see him again until bedtime when I read The Little Drummer Boy to him (with push-button music of course). He turned over and was out like a light.

The next morning I woke up, showered, put on my clothes and started to head for the door as Aunt Vickie, Sydney and Spencer were in the game room watching Spongebob with the morning coffee and pop-tarts. As I began to tie my shoes, Spencer climbed in my lap with a big smile and another Aussie hug. As he puckered up his lips, I noticed something hanging from his chin. Yes, dried terriyaki sauce. None of us washed his covered face before he went to bed! I said, "Spinner, you are going to need a bath before you head out to Grandpa's with Aunt Vickie. You still have terriyaki sauce on your face!"

Spencer replied, "Well, I couldn't reach it all with my tongue, dad...Gosh!"

Yes. We all laughed. A Spencerism. Now you know.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Chicken Soup for the Soul

No, I am not writing about the book that was a sensation and multiplied itself into various versions of itself. As I sit and type this, Spencer sleeps in my bed after thunder clapped at 4:00 a.m. The alarm stood waiting to blare at 5:00 a.m. anyway, so I really only lost an hour of slumber. But, I really wanted that hour!

My little budding 5 year old has been quite ill since Thursday, so we have officially entered day 5 and hoping that I can drop him at school. Praise God that I have such an understanding boss. I worked from home most of Thursday once I received the phone call and all day on Friday. The poor little guy could not stop throwing up. His strength left him completely and lost 4 lbs. in just three days!

On Friday morning, Danielle came to the house and watched him for me as I ran an errand. Once I returned she told me something that sort of floored me. All he had done while I was gone was ask for me. Even with Danielle, he continues to want me over anyone else at all. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug, stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. What a trooper Danielle is to our family. I don't know where we would be without her and her family's support. It truly is unbelievable how much they have loved us and taken Spencer especially under their wings.

Spencer stayed sick the rest of the weekend with the vomitting ending on Friday afternoon. On Saturday, he stayed in my bed watching numerous runs of Spongebob and other educational programming while I attempted to get Pedialite down a child who literally drinks only ice water and the occasional chocolate milk. Neither of these choices work on an upset and cramping stomach, so I vainly attempted to shove pack Pedialite down a determined 5 year old's mouth. The battle of wills had begun. I won out most of the time, but on other occasions, I gave in as I realized a while ago that I do not need to win every little battle. He slowly began to eat as well. By Saturday night, he was eating an egg, some yogurt (he loves greek yogurt) and some crackers.

After returning from my company's skit practice in The Woodland's and picking him up from the Zaruba's, I went by HEB to pick up a favorite of my mom's. Chicken Noodle Soup. He loves it. After warming it up, placing an ice cube in it to cool it for him after scooping some in a little mug from the stove, he ate. He smiled. My heart warmed like the soup to his soul. All was good for a few minutes as he asked me to sit with him while he ate his soup.




My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rashes, Doctors, Walks, Water, and Furniture - A Day in the Life of a Single Dad...

I woke Spencer up to take Chandler to school yesterday. He scratched his back without stopping and said, “Daddy, my back itches.” I picked him up and looked. Sure enough there on his back sat a nice rash with welts! I walked him over to the mirror and better light. His back covered, I decided to stay at home and work while driving him to the doctor's office. I am so glad that I have an understanding boss. Later that morning, the doctor stated that it could either be an allergic reaction or viral. Spencer had no fever, so it seems the allergic reaction is the perpetrator. We'll see. The doc said to watch him the rest of this week and go from there.

Once I finished working, Spencer and I went on a walk with Woobie and Pinky, his two buddies. He loaded up the umbrella stroller and we were off for the greenbelt. He talked away to me about how Woobie would speed up the stroller. Of course, when “Woobie” did this, Spencer took off running while pushing the stroller at the same time. I sat back and soaked in this memory. We went by the pool and up another part of the path before turning back, going off trail, making tracks in the dirt, stopping to say hi to a new puppy from our neighbor and eventually to the back yard where Spencer played in “Jeepy” and I soaked him with the water hose as he passed by in circles in the backyard. What a great afternoon/evening.

We left the house to pick up Chandler at Savannah's. After talking with Emily a bit, we came home. Spencer stumbled in the house quite tired. Bedtime called. We read a book he checked out at the library. I brought him some water. He fell asleep quickly. Benadryl three times a day tends to do that!

The next item up for bids – Chandler's room. He wanted my help in moving his furniture around for him. I understood. I helped. It actually looks better.

I love being their dad. I love taking care of them. I had another thought while on the walk with Spencer, “How could she skip these memories?” I don't understand. I probably never will understand.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Balance Act...

I overslept again. I continue to struggle to find my drive right now for keeping in shape. When I pull out the courage to get on my bike I enjoy it. It invigorates me. I get a lot out of it. For some reason though, I battle it everyday. I want to race next year, but I cannot race in my physical shape currently. I would get spit out of the back of the field so fast.

The divorce care group stated a few things that I believe stand extremely true for me at this point.

1. My equilibrium is not stable: They stated 85% of my energy is focused on my emotions and only 15% is left for spiritual, physical, and psychological. Therefore, the other areas of my life continue to starve as my emotions are on emergency service.
2. My healing process paused due to my relationship with Lisa. I literally hit the pause button and invested that in a new relationship vs. getting myself healed up to deal with life itself.   

Now that it looks as if that relationship will finalize next week, I can attempt to get some equilibrium in other areas of my life.

I picked up Spencer last night and came home to a house with not a lot of groceries. Knowing that this weekend would be filled with cycling, soccer, Savanna, small groups, church, yard work and cleaning house, I didn't see where the trip to HEB would fit. So, I made the executive decision to get it done last night. I took Spencer with me as Chandler plugged away on his homework. About 10 minutes into this sojourn, I realized that this idea wasn't my brightest as of late. Spencer stood in the cart exhausted with dark circles in his eyes and having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence. I tried to speed through the isles as I literally tossed items into the cart. At one point, Spencer looked at me and said, “Daddy, I am falling asleep in the cart. When can we go home?” I felt horrible. What kind of a parent am I going to “big” grocery shopping on a Thursday evening. This boy needed his pj's on, brushing his teeth and tucked in bed in a short 10 minutes from now. I decided that the rest of the list could wait and sprinted for the checkout line. The two college age gals at the counter noticed the half asleep 5 year old barely able to stay vertical and helped unload the cart to the counter.

Once we arrived home, I quickly made Spencer's dinner. Chandler helped while talking with Savanna on the phone and got his frozen pizza ready for the oven. Spencer finished and looked at me with his big blue eyes. He reached up with his arms as if to save hims from something. He puckered his lips. He wanted a kiss. My heart melted. I picked him up, kissed him, and walked him to his bedroom. The groceries can wait. The important freezer items were put away in their cold spots. Spencer and I read his favorite Dr. Seuss book that night as he had to read a rhyming book for his class. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. I must admit that I adore reading to my kids. I construct different voices for characters and it literally turns into a little mini-dramatic reading at bedtime. He closed his eyes in no time and the sandman covered him.

I returned to the kitchen where Chandler fixed his plate of Digiorno Pepporoni and a breadstick. Ahhhhhh nutrition. Again, I joined him. Nutrition would have to wait this night. And that is okay.

Balancing acts. They too have their difficulties. I learned something tonight though. In the midst of my effort to get the shopping done at the wrong time, Spencer didn't mind. Chandler got to eat and finished his homework. Shopping. Yet another area that gets juggled in our lives. Something I still take for granted that was done by my spouse for the most part. It hurt to watch Spencer almost falling asleep in the store. He deserved better. Chandler should have had dinner by now. Now the feelings would come back with frustration and anger at her for abandoning her responsibilities, life, children, etc. It is all up to me now. Overwhelming? Sure. Sustainable? Starting to be? Balancing act? Certainly. And the balancing will not stop. It will continue everyday and....that's okay.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

School, Attachment, and Index Cards...

Now that school has traction, routine might not run as smoothly as I would really hope. Making lunches at night certainly helps the morning ritual, but I still end up getting out the door quite inconsistently. Chandler stumbles, rolls, slides - no jumping mind you - out of bed and into the shower around 6"ish". We head out the door with Spencer in tow with Woobie and his favorite blanket to the Jeep by 6:45 to drop him at KHS.

We usually pass the same dad on a bike with a little trailer in tow with no child on the back which always looks quite odd to me - a grown man with a burly beard on a bike pedaling his heart out with a child trailer behind like it is chasing him and a helmet attached to the tiny handlebars. Spencer and I hop out of the Jeep around 7"ish" and I prep his breakfast which usually consists of yogurt and eggs (no not together) or oatmeal or cream of wheat, etc. He still likes the occasional pop-tart as well (what child doesn't?!).

From there, I run to the shower and pull out my clothes while at the same time get Spencer's together from him to change and get ready for his day in Kindergarten. We leave the house around 7:45 "ish" as they do not allow any child in the classroom until 7:50 (notice no "ish" there). At this point, I am apprehensive as I do not know which way it will go each day. Will Spinner be alright and be able to walk to class without the attachment to daddy? The last few days he has done okay as he knows that this is the new routine and I will be by to pick him up after work.

I then attack the Houston traffic down hwy 59 to my tower of a building off McKinney on the 18th floor with a really nice view actually. I go about my job and text Chandler a couple of times when needed. Today, it is index cards. He must have an important test which will more than likely be tomorrow! All I received was a text that read, "Could you pick up a TON of index cards on the way home?" Notice "ton" is capitalized. Yes, this would mean, it is a big test with a lot of information.

It can be overwhelming being a single dad, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my boys and would do anything for them. I realize now that Spencer's attachment to me will be here for a few years as it is all part of mommy leaving and not really being heavily involved in his life minus the weekly phone call and a couple of 4 day visits a year. His fear of abandonment and attachment are perfectly normal and I am okay with it for sure. He needs to feel secure and I will make sure he feels that security to the best of my ability.

I am sure that there are days though when he feels like the picture below......................so do I!

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Simple Twist of Fate

As I lay in bed this morning pondering the day and all that needs to get done (laundry, sign Spencer up for Soccer, go to the bank, get some yard work done, and most importantly have some fun with the boys), Spencer walks into my room and crawls up in bed with me. He lays down for a minute and then gets up and leaves to grab his Woobie and returns ready to lie down for a while next to me. We talk about the day some. He really wants to make a sojourn out to Toys R Us of course in addition to the other errands we will run.

I turned on the TV as I was still not quite totally awake yet and decided to see if there was a good kid movie on somewhere. I ran across A Simple Twist of Fate with Steve Martin. I had never seen the movie and I turned it on at the point where he is in the interview to be able to raise little Matilda. I never knew that this movie was about an abandonment. A few minutes of watching, I was able to put the story together. After watching for about 15 minutes, Spencer asked me quietly with his head on my chest all cuddled up with Woobie in one hand and the other draped across my stomach, "Daddy, where is her mommy? (At this point, I didn't want to say that the mommy was dead)" I told him, "Well she just isn't there anymore." His response, " Oh, that is like us." Insert sinking heart here. "Yes, buddy, it is like us."

It is truly amazing how the mind of a five year old can put two and two together like that so quickly. He already knows that it is not normal for a mommy not to be around. He has spent so much time with Robin and Danielle that it has been modeled to him throughout the summer and the last two years since he was abandoned. These are the scars that last a lifetime. It isn't normal. It hurts. It's real.

I will finish watching the movie later as I decided to record it for later. It was time to make some Saturday morning waffles. The day must begin. First stop: the YMCA to sign the little guy up for soccer. He is going to experience all that he can as a child and I am determined to have him look back on his childhood and be able to say that even though mom wasn't around, he still had a blast and enjoyed life. Time to get back to my journey.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

New School Year...etc.

The alarm just buzzed. This fires the bells in my head that my sleep allotment is now over and time to rise and shine to another year of school for the boys. Chandler starts his Sophomore year and little Spinner starts the journey of learning as a kindergartner! I still remember Chandler being that age and now he stares down the tunnel of only three years left before heading off to "higher" education. Chandler will have just turned 28 when Spencer finishes his high school studies. Who knows? I might be a grandfather by that time! Yikes!!

In the meantime, I get to handle a difficult situation. Spencer's reluctance to let go. The attachment issue is not only big, but emotionally taxing. I love my little buddy. What a gift from God both of my sons are to me. I would do anything and sacrifice anything for them. I hurt when they hurt. I feel their pain. Each time visitation ends, Spencer takes a few steps back from the leaps forward he has taken over the months between visits with his mom. He has good days and rough days. The rough days are peppered with the inability to let me go. He wants me to "stay and work from home" or "work from school" or "go with me to work", etc etc etc. The attachment issue is dug deep from the abandonment. This issue will continue throughout his life and the only thing that can be done is to somehow learn coping strategies as he matures. My only prayer at this point is that God will fill that void, that fear of abandonment, that attachment, that loss. I still cry at night from time to time. Not because of the what happened to me, but because of the loss to my children. They lost a mom. Sure, she thinks she is still their mommy. And genealogically and legally speaking she certainly is, but not emotionally. The relationship will never be how God intended it to be for mommy to child. That role was sacrificed when sin and selfishness entered the picture.

The journey will continue. It will have bumps and bruises emotionally. The scars will remain throughout life. For now, we live one day at a time. For now, God's grace continues to be more than sufficient. He is our refuge. He is the shade on our hand and our lives.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Eventful August

It has been an eventful August so far. The boys had visitation with their mom from the 7-10. It has not become easier as some have eluded to. I still walk into it treading lightly with some fear of what will happen when they come home after only four days.

I was moved to tears this time. As I was driving to Lafayette to pick them up, Chandler texted me a simple message, "Dad, I missed you." I had just pulled over at a gas station in Beaumont to get a snack for me and the boys for our drive home. I wept. He was okay. I allowed the tears to stream down my face as I praised God that this time through a separation of four days didn't create a month of estrangement.

After picking them up at the Cracker Barrell in Lafayette, we ate, drove home, and got ready for our vacation. I made reservations through priceline.com and got a deal! $63 a night at the Hilton Spa and Hotel literally across the overpass from Sea World! We arrived that night and spent Friday doing the Riverwalk and the mall as well as the Alamo. Saturday was Sea World with Uncle Vince, Aunt Jenny and Matthew.

This is when I noticed that Spencer was definitely re-attached to the level he had been back in March and in August of last year. Both times, right after visitation. It is the fear of abandonment coming out in full-force. He wouldn't let me leave his sight. The stress was there for all to see when I tried to ride a couple of rides with Chandler and leave him with Vince and Matthew, who is only a year older than Spencer. This is our reality now and will have to work through over time.

All in all it was a fantastic vacation. The hotel was remarkable. We made smores in the firepit one night, watched movies on the big wall outside, etc. etc. Great memories. I love my boys and I am so blessed to be raising them.

Fast forward to this morning. Today is a special day as Spencer starts Kindergarten at Bear Branch Elementary. Amazing really. It seems like yesterday yet an eternity when Chandler started. Now, it is Spencer's turn as a Bear Branch Bear. I met his teacher and she seems incredible. Yet another God thing where He knows exactly who to put in Spencer's life at just the right time. Pics will come later for sure. Chandler starts his sophomore year. He is only three total years away now from graduating high school. It is just sick and wrong. I am so proud of him. What a talent. What a great big brother. What an amazing son.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Water Under the Bridge

Time heals goes the famous saying. The question I would like to ponder and throw out would be how much time? How much water must go under a bridge for there to be healing?

A long long time. An ocean of water. This is my feeling today, August 1, 2011. There are two days on the calendar that are painful to me personally. This one and November 13. The scars drive deep. The pain can only be described as gutwrenching.

This is a day where my feeling is that I want to go home. Only...I already am home. I also want to move somewhere...far far far away. Change is good. Changing my venue would be a good thing for me at this point, but where do I go? I am always there and so will the pain. It will follow me no matter where I unpack my bags and hang my bike helmet.

Today is  a tough day. Tomorrow might be better. I hope so. But, I don't know at this point. I must figure out a way to move forward with my life. I do plan on a new support in the fall. Praying that helps some.

Praise the Lord I have my boys. I don't know where I would be without them.

Come on water...rush under the bridge. May time heal...one day at a time.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Great Friends...

Friends. I cannot begin to describe the amount of blessing I received on my journey called life from friends. They have counseled me through many turns in the road, forks in the road and a whole lot of pot holes and wrecks. I have experienced many laughs, tears, inside jokes, empathy, sympathy, tough love, grace, mercy, prayer, understanding, and the list could go on for long time.

I don't know where I would be without the countless friends who have supported me over the past year and 8 months through such turbulent times. A true friend sticks by you through thick and thin. They tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. They pray for and with you in good times and hard times. A friend loves without regard to the mess ups that we commit, have committed or will commit. Friends look at you as a blessing just as much as you look at them as one to yourself.

My sojourn has taught me many things. Turning 42 this year and officially in my middle age, I have gleaned the knowledge that my blessing is quite profound. The close friends that I have are few, but more than most. I can call a number of people at 2 a.m. I call them my 2 a.m. friends as a matter of fact. To know that I have more than one...two...five plus is quite amazing. God is so good to me. Thank you for the many friendships who have stuck with this sinful man. I have many limitations. I would not count friends one of them. What a blessing on my journey.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Blessings on the Journey...

I took a break at my desk yesterday for a short minute after receiving a text and paused. Even though life's twists and turns can surprise and sometimes even shock, I sat there amazed by the blessings in my life:

God has entrusted two amazing sons to me to love, raise, nurture and mold for the future.


The friends that stick next to my side during the turbulent times is an amazing glimpse into God's steadfast love.


Family has taken on an entirely new meaning over the past year and a half. What a loving and caring family I have!


I have a good job with two understanding bosses who get how important my boys are to me and support that fully.


It is okay that "love" will have to wait until a time way into the future...and God is still crazy about me. 


....God still wants to use me for His glory. The lost still need to hear the good news and He still wants to use this sinful vessel to carry out His will. I stand amazed by this truth.


The blessings keep coming to mind even as I type this blog entry. I guess it never ceases to amaze me how much God loves me even in the midst of my shortcomings. As Crowder states, "His love is like a hurricane and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his grace and mercy". Poetry.




My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

His Grace is Sufficient...One Day at a Time

I believe I am beginning to get a glimpse of God's sufficient grace. I never dreamed, in either a daydream/nightdream or a nightmare/night terror, that I would be where I am today. I now see why it is best to live one day at a time. Not that we shouldn't make plans, have dreams, strive for success, or even shoot for the stars. I realize none of this can happen without plodding some sort of map for our lives. I am all for that. After all, without a target, we hit nothing.

My heart has changed though. I now really want to live in the moment. Day by day. Looking into the future is important...I get that. Maybe it is the pain. At this point, the mystery is still there in my mind. How I arrived where I stand at this point of my life is still somewhat of a puzzle to me. So, I will live one day at a time. His grace is sufficient for that. And for that...I am quite glad.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!