The Wisdom of Ferris Bueller

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Ferris' words have more than a ring of truth to them. I feel as if I blinked or forgot to "look around once in a while". A few for instances:

Dad

Dad playing a number game with Spencer last weekend

My father turns 71 at the end of the month. I still remember him playing catch with me as a little boy. How my sister and I ran into his arms as my sister and I yelled "DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" when he would walk in from work at night. I still have strong memories of crawling in bed on Sunday mornings with my sis and he would read the funnies to us. I don't remember the funnies. I remember him reading to us. I now know as a dad that he looked forward to that more than we probably did. I never viewed him as "young" in those days. He was dad. And yes, in my eyes, he was...ahem...old. Now here I sit typing this out on my computer and am older than he was when he read the funnies to Vickie and I while my mom smiled in the doorway with her warm cup of joe. I am glad I looked around and didn't miss that one. Yes, dad will be 71, but his heart is still that of the daddy when we played catch, jumped into his arms and listened to his baritone voice read Snoopy to us...morning breath and all. All that mattered was that he made those times special. Thanks, dad.

Chandler

Chandler driving dad's Denali on Sunday

Warp speed has entered the Cahill household. Now coming in for a crash landing (I use that language loosely of course and pray for that not to be in the literal sense) ...Chandler's 16th birthday on March 27th. Really? Wait. No. This has to be wrong. I can honestly say that this must be some sort of mix up as I could have sworn I just experienced seeing him hit a home run in Tee Ball, twirl a Bo Staff in Tae Kwon Do, draw a masterpiece in Art at school which rests on the fridge held up by a magnet that he made in kindergarten, and numerous other acts that have carved themselves into my memory as he has grown. He really does turn 16. He received his permit last week and drives every moment the chance arises. Chandler grows each day and I don't believe I could be more proud. I have never seen such a good big brother, son, friend, etc. He has a strong moral compass, a heart for God, and a passion for drums. I look forward to more "looks" from the philosophy of Ferris.

Spencer

Spencer at Deerbrook Mall this week

Still so young. What future lies in front of him? What will he like? What will be his passion? Where will his heart carry him? I have already blinked as I still cannot believe he is already in Kindergarten and in October will turn 7 years old. That is only two years younger than Chandler, 9, when he was born! Unbelievable. Pretending is the order of the day now and it brings all sorts of memories with it as well. The creativity of a little boy. Is there anything else like it? I think not. This week we have been cowboys, teachers, and race car drivers. In the past, cars have blown up, races won, lost, bad guys arrested and brought in for questioning, and the list goes on and on. The list will continue to grow as well. I still remember Chandler at this age. Thanks, Ferris. The more "looking around" at this age the better.

I believe the earth turns quicker on its axis nowadays. It must. These days move too quickly. Where is the sloooowww down button (insert the sound of an album played on 16 rpm here)?

For now, I soak up as many memories as possible. Take as many pictures as I can. Shoot as much video as I have room on a hard drive. Looking back at all of these memories will bring joy, smiles and dreams coming true.

When the credits roll to the end, I just hope Ferris doesn't ask why I am still here and I need to go home now. 

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

BBQ, a Cute Couple, Bumper Cars, a Big Leap Forward

The traffic mounted as we drove closer to Reliant Stadium where outside between the hulking stadium and the old classic Astrodome lay the 2012 BBQ Cookoff and Carnival. Once we found a place to park and purchased Spencer a jacket as the temperature dropped what seemed like 10 degrees since we had left Kingwood, we strolled down the sidewalk to our destination. Free BBQ (thanks to a really nice company that I do business with), carnival rides and good ol' fashioned fun stood right in front of us. Chandler, Savannah, Spencer and myself walked through what seemed like a stepped on ant hill of people from all walks of like doing their best to dress up like cowboys and cowgirls. As we approached the BBQ area, the intense smell of smokin' cookers spread through the air like a small mushroom cloud. We made our way through the maze of massive tents from corporations to professional chefs to finally find the one we were looking for, The Willis Group. Inside lay a spread of mouthwatering brisket, chicken, ribs so tender they fell off the bone and scrumptios sausage. All four of us ate and relaxed from our sizable walk from the jeep. I took in the smells and a load of memories flooded my mind as I thought back to the countless Rodeos I had attended with my family as a child through my teenage years when The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo was held in the Astrodome and Astrohall. Great memories. The tradition now continues with the next generation of Cahill's, so it is on to the Carnival!

We purchased out tickets for the rides and upon a unanimous vote, took off for the everpopular Bumper Cars. Chandler and Savannah hopped into the same car...quite cute as you can imagine. Spencer was beside himself with excitement. We had just watched his favorite show last week, Top Gear on the BBC America, and there were bumper cars in the episode. He wanted to get in one of these ever since we watched the show. Now, his chance arrived.

We jumped in and I pulled down the safety bar over us. Spencer grinned from ear to ear as the announcer went through his schpeel probably for the 107th time that day. When he finished, we took off! I immediately scoped out Chandler and Savannah and sped toward them while Specner laughed and screamed with glee. We hit and recieved hits from numerous bumper cars and then I noticed Spinner reaching for the wheel. In all of the excitement, he wanted to drive! Why not? So, we were now being piloted by a six year old with an amazing fascination for cars. In his complete elation, he zoned in on anything that was in front of him that he could hit. I kept my foot on the accelerator at all times and never took it off. We nailed Chandler and Savannah countless times and vice versa all of us laughing non-stop.  Following this experience, I took a pic this picture of him. He demanded that he be outside of the bumper car for the picture.

We had a ball and it was the beginning a great memory.

From the bumper cars we waltzed over to the massive ferris wheel where we all got into the same booth that took us to heights were we could see all over the city. The downtown skyline stood in pride, the sadness of the field where Astroworld used to stand, the incredible standard of the Medical Center, and a gorgeous Texas sunset. The setting was a picture of symbolism for me. The sun had set on a life that I had thought once would be to now what it is and can be. Little did I know that a big step for a little boy was just moments away.

Following the beautiful ride on the ferris wheel, we strolled through the crowd for a funnel cake (after all, what is a carnival without a funnel cake?!) and a ride on a slide in potato sacks. We went through fun houses, haunted houses, watched a bunch of guys try to win prizes in the games and eventually came upon a massive slide and the kiddie bumper cars (a smaller version of what our first choice of the night had been). The slide, one the largest I have ever seen, reminded me of the one in the beginning credits of a show called the Banana Splits. Steep? Understatement. Spencer begged to go on it. Why not?! Not only did he want to ride this extremely larger than life slide, he wanted to do it alone with me on the slide next to him. What a huge step! I took a video of this on my phone. He laughed and screamed and smiled and screamed and laughed and smiled. I was elated for him. I slid behind him videoing and I couldn't help getting emotional. I was moved. Chandler was surprised. I was so excited for him. He blew my mind even more when he wanted to ride on the kiddie bumper cars alone! This is a leap for my boy. This almost brought me to tears as I watched him drive, be competitive, laugh, get intense, squeel for joy. He was having the time of his life. I sat back and enjoyed watching both of my boys as Chandler and Savannah had fun together as a budding young high school couple and Spencer experienced a handful of firsts in his life.

Spencer's attachment issues dwindled, didn't disappear, a bit as he rode a slide alone and jumped in a bumper car to drive alone. I rejoiced. I thanked the Lord for this. He gave Spencer strength through excitement. What a wonderful aide in coping for a little guy. Speechless again.

What a great day. We drove home. Now it was my turn. I smiled from ear to ear. My boys had a ball. Chandler made some great memories with his girlfriend as well as his brother and myself. Spencer gained a well-needed taste of independence. I soaked in yet another incredible memory with the two most incredible sons a dad could ask for in this life. Enjoy the video...yes...you will smile especially if you know our story.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Rainy Days and Hot Wheel Tracks



The storm rolled in around 3:00 a.m. when my little one staggered in my room quite frightened from the loud thunder clap. I had heard the sound and knew it would only be a matter of moments when the knob of my bedroom door would be turned and the sound of whimpering would follow along with the pitter patter of feet.

"Daddy, I'm scared."

"It's okay, buddy. I'm here. Do you want to sleep in here with daddy?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Crawl in..."

Spencer climbs in my king size sleigh bed and pulls the covers up all the way to his neck as he clutches his wooby and gets so close to me that I feel like I am about to fall out of this large bed.

The rain came. The skies opened up and I started to wonder if an ark construction was in the plans for the Houston area. Spencer fell asleep quickly. I lie awake listening to the rain hit the roof and roll off into the yard as the grass sucked up the well needed replenishing.

The parallels struck me so evidently. For two years, the storms have raged. At times, I have felt like drowning in the pain could be the only lot left in life. I watch and listen to my boys struggle at times, but as time moves forward, a little rain brings nourishment. We stretch forward like a blade of grass yearning for fresh water. As it hits us, we take it in, close our eyes and await the next hit of refreshment.

Not only do these rainy days have the potential to bring us this well-needed hit of  rejuvenation, but they can also be a needed change of plans. I had wanted to get on my bike and put in some well-needed miles. Instead, we ended up building a Hot Wheels track in the family room and tested numerous cars to see which one(s) worked best with the two power boosters. This started our day off with some great time together. Sure, I missed a workout, but I gained a memory. The rain is good not only for the ground, grass, trees, plants, etc. It brought about a quick change of plans as simple as a Hot Wheel track.

The journey is one day at a time. It needs simplicity...not complexity. Isn't God wonderful Who brings in the weather to usher in simplicity in our lives and make the important a reality.

I still worked out later. I took the boys to the gym and lifted with Chandler while Spencer made some new friends in the childcare area. The teachers fell in love with him immediately. My boys have that effect on people. They are lovable because He is loving toward us. In the midst of storms, He has refreshed us with His grace and mercy. The journey continues.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Valentine's and other Hallmark Thoughts

Valentines. Yep. It has arrived yet again. Chandler, Spencer and I walked through HEB buying some assorted grocery needs and the reminders of the day approaching lurked around every corner. Balloons, chocolate covered strawberries of all shapes and sizes, flowers of every color, cards with pink and red highlights and hearts printed with romantic sayings, etc etc etc. Finally, a man making the strawberries asked me to get one "for that special lady in my life". Well, considering, there isn't a "special" lady anymore, I passed but talked Chandler into purchasing one for his girlfriend. Good choice. She'll like it for sure.

Later, Chandler looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, dad."

He knows. I can hide it with the best of them, but there are days I get caught off guard. Reminders come up. Thoughts come in my head. Failure. Relationship failure especially can be extremely difficult to not only "get over", but the lingering effects gnaw at the insides of a person and have the ability to literally chew us up and spit us out. These emotional scars heal I have been told, but scars stay.

I have had four reconstructive knee surgeries. The scars still exist. If you would like a Lionel Train can take a journey on my knees. The parallels are there as well. Both have side effects. Both keep us from being 100%. Both keep us making careful decisions or second guessing careless ones. Both definitely have ongoing issues that come up when we least expect and can catch us off guard. Both can bring pain that illicit tears.

So, Valentines Day. It is a great holiday. I have good memories. I also made some new ones yesterday as Spencer and I made up all of his Valentine's for his class this week. Cars Valentines with a caramel Hershey's kiss taped to them. We also constructed a Valentine's box with pictures of Snoopy and Mickey Mouse taped to it for the one's he will receive.

God is still good and He is still on His throne. A good friend told me this past year that peace is worth fighting for and that is something I am holding onto as a truth. It is one of my goals this year. Peace in my life in the midst of the last two years. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He gives the peace that passes all understanding.

I sang today in my car on the way to work. I haven't done that in a long time. I belted out Mark Schultz song "He Is". What a wonderful truth. God's Valentine to me. I am blessed. In the midst of turbulence, my plane still flies and is on coarse for where He is taking me.

Thank you for the Valentine this morning, Lord and for the memories with my boys this weekend. Chandler and Spencer. Wow...what better Valentine could I get?

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

New Year...2012...One Day At A Time

Chandler wrote on his Facebook status that he is looking forward to 2012 to be a year that will not be filled with drama and a year of peace. I don't think I could echo him any louder. The last two years have taught me to live life one day at a time, to not take anyone or anything for granted, and thank the Lord that my biggest blessing outside of my salvation are my two boys.

Normally, when I write, I slather (is that really a word?) in some witty humor. This entry leans to the more serious side. It has been two years:

Where I am now:


I still cry.

My focus remains on my boys which helps keep me centered as well as my relationship with Christ.

I sleep better some nights than others. Last night was one of those nights. I woke at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. This still happens and I suppose will eventually get better.

I still can't listen to certain musicians (sorry Dave Matthews - still too hard), watch certain movies, or go certain places.

Kingwood is not easy to live in, but I choose to as I know it is the most stable environment for Chandler and Spencer right now. Way too many memories all over the place going back to high school.

The friends I have are numerous and amazing. Without them, I would probably be in a padded room with a tight fitting jacket being fed by an orderly named Helga.

My family remains a strong support. They have been there for me since everything happened. Knowing that will not change is comforting.

Moving forward has not been easy. It is a process. It is not an event. I will probably never look back and say, "I moved forward on 'x' day." Some people I have spoken with have said this and others have not...mine will be a process. Spending 23 years of my life with someone, 17 of them married, and having it end in an instant along with the abandonment of children is not only difficult to go through, it is brutal on all levels...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. The consequences I would not wish on anyone...especially to my kids.
But..............two years later:

I smile more.

I laugh more and with more people.

My sons bring me joy.

I have learned that I can have joy and not be filled with happiness and that is okay.

I am slowly finding fun in riding my bike again.

This will be the first year that I set goals for myself in a long time and I am looking forward to it.

Even though I still hurt, grieve and have a lot of unaswered questions, I have come to the realization that I will hurt and grieve less and that understanding what happened will really never happen...and that is okay!

My heart will always have scars now. This doesn't mean it stops beating. It just means that I have a story, a ministry, a burden, and empathy for those who have suffered the same loss...especially those who have dealt with abandonment as a child.

Healing is not an instant. Healing happens incrementally and I have to be open to it.

Even though I have made mistakes since everything happened, some of them big, I am still loved and chosen by the Lord. My boys and I are going to be alright.

God's grace is sufficient. Praise God. His grace is sufficient.

Peace. It is a good thing to ask God for in 2012. Chandler will be 16 in March. He has grown up so much in two years. I am very proud of him. He has so much to look forward to in his life. My prayer is that he will love the Lord and be able to have the peace he seeks which can only come from the Lord.



My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!