Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind in 2013

Yes, May 2nd. A full five months since my fingers have touched the keys in this blog. So much for consistency. I believe, lately, the only consistency has been the fact that I truly do not know what happens next, where that will lead and what that will entail!

The day after my last entry, I perched myself onto my $29.99 (had to be honest...it wasn't $19.95) digital scale with body fat % read out. Yep, not so good news. I had grown to 198 pounds and let's just say my % was uh...high. Time for a plan. Fast forward with a lot of riding later and I have lost 20 pounds with my bodyfat still falling.

Time for a new plan as I have stagnated as of late though. So, I am signed up for my first race. An Aquabike (no this is not some race on water with one of those massive tricycle looking things at the park or beach). It is basically a triathlon without the running. Gives me something to keep focused and forces me to write out a training plan.

Meanwhile, back at the Batcave (or in my case the spiderweb since I am much bigger Spiderman fan than Batman), the boys and I have had an extremely busy spring. Between work, school, work, school, cycling, work, school (you get the idea) sleep fits in somewhere.

So where to from here? I do have some experiences coming up that I want to write about:

Spencer Art
Back On The Stage
ChandlerAge
Consequences Three+ Years Later
Settling Into Ohana
Breaking PR's
Summer Plans/Dreams

So...keep an eye out. I will be updating this a little more and making this a priority again. It is therapy for me and the fact that some of you keep reading and coming back to read some entries multiple times means a lot to me as a novice writer. So, thank you and keep an eye out for more entries in the near future.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Discussions by Candlelight Wrapped in a Bath Towel - Happy New Year

Spencer the Sheepdog in the Kids Christmas Musical

New Year's Eve. Throughout the past, I have celebrated this holiday with a spread of emotion from exuberance with fireworks to nights in the bed in tears fearing what the next year would bring. Quite the range, I know. There seems to be hope on the horizon for now. With a new home, celebrating Christmas in the Ohana and now facing a New Year, the excitement of heading to a New Year's Eve party with the MOB (the name of my Sunday School class that I attend quite inconsistently) with a quick stop over to some great friends, the Medley's, filled my heart. The last few New Year's have not been so joyous, so having one to look forward to turned into quite the blessing.

Talking on the phone with a good friend, the power jolted in my home. Even my cell phone dropped the call. My seven year old fears the dark more than the average first grader, so I quickly snagged the lighter to light some candles. He started to cry as I quickly created light to bring both sight and comfort to the little guy's mind. How do you explain to a child that has such a big fear of darkness that he is going to be just fine and not be eaten up by some unseen thing or worse that same darkness somehow swallow us whole and turn spit us out in some foreign place or other planet (not that he thinks this, but that would be kinda scary!).

I quickly thought of what I could do to keep him distracted. I own a battery operated atomic clock that sits on my night stand. All a person has to do is push it down and there is instant light showing the time with seconds ticking away with the date and current temperature. What a cool toy! Spencer became my stopwatch. I needed to get in a workout anyway, so why not get in 30 minutes on the bike trainer while he gives me the cues to slow down and speed up on the pedals or sit and stand out of the saddle?

Mark it down folks! It worked! For the next 35 minutes, I would tell him the time that he needed to watch for and give me the signal. I would then speed up or slow down or stand or sit or change gears, etc etc etc. Spencer, unknowingly, turned into a wonderful workout partner.

It also put us behind on schedule. I figured the power would pop back on during the workout. No wind. No storm. No rain. Nothing. Yet, the power just quit. As I cooled down for 15 minutes he was completely proud of himself for helping dad with his workout. Still no power after the cool down. I needed to shower. I carried the lit candle into the bathroom and placed it on the counter. I gave Spencer my clock and fired up another candle for him. I took a shower by candle light. When I snagged the towel and wrapped it around me, Spencer came into the bathroom.

Out of the blue, he asked a question about my mom. This was a first. I told him that my mom would have loved him and he would have loved her as well (my mom passed away in 1999). He said that he missed his mom. I told him that I understood and asked him if he remembered his mommy when she was here.

**Sidenote - I have been encouraged by professionals that when he initiates conversations like this to listen and ask questions that lead to open ended questions as well. 

He shook his head. I asked him what he did remember about his mommy being with us. He gave a shoulder shrug. So, I asked him whether his memories were good or bad of mommy being here. He said that they were good. I told that he needs those good memories. We talked about some memories. We laughed about some. We were saddened by others (mainly the ones that she has missed).

Needless to say, this was a breakthrough. A seven year old freely sharing like this is a great thing. I sat there in my dark closet with a towel wrapped around me for 20 minutes listening and talking with my little 7 year old in a way that I didn't think would happen for at least another 4 years from now. A window opened and I saw a smidgen of his heart, his memories, his sadness, his loss, and his current happiness.

We missed the chance to go to our friends, but made the MOB party. Spencer and I had a ball.

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Christmas at Ohana - Elves, Pan and New Memories

Quiet the Elf replacing stockings with underwear

We celebrate Christmas with passion in the Cahill household. Through the years, since my childhood, there has been singing, dancing to corny songs, a ton of hilarity, of course gift giving, and numerous other tales I could tell which would make some laugh so hard it would illicit tears and other stories at the opposite end of the spectrum that would yield driblets of sadness.

Now, at Ohana, we strive to usher in a new era of tradition, fun, laughter, and sincerity into our new home. New memories. Fresh breath of air. Savory Scenery. Scents that will bring about thoughts of happiness for years to come.

Christmas Eve has arrived. The concluding scene of our little Elf on the Shelf, Quiet (quite appropriately named by the creative 7 year old of the household), unrolled in the media room as he decided to invent a Manger Scene with a number of Spencer's "buddies" starring the key roles of Luke chapter 2. A small dalmatian puppy plays the baby Jesus wrapped in some toilet paper lying on a ten pound unfolded set of ankle weights (feeding trough). Throughout the month of December, this little guy acted out, acted up, but most importantly, brought a lot of morning giggles to the Ohana household. Everything from hanging from chandeliers to bungee jumping to replacing stockings with underwear (pictured to your right), etc. Quiet made his little mark on our lives and we are thankful. New tradition? Check! Great memories? Absolutely (one of my favorite words that I hear my friend, Rick, say with emotion from time to time)!

Chandler and Savannah at Peter Pan

As a child, my parents attempted to teach my sister and I culture from time to time. We visited museums, art exhibits, King Tut's Tour, Neil Diamond concerts (okay, these were not really culture, but my mom was a massive Neil Diamond fan - Forever in Blue Jeans!) and of course, the theater. Memories span back to when I was just six years old going to see The Nutcracker (yes, I fell asleep) in Chicago. A few years later, I saw my first musical, Peter Pan (I didn't fall asleep in this one). When I heard that Peter Pan was coming to Houston for the Christmas season, I started to draw up my plans to take the boys. We went with my lifelong friend and his family as well as Chandler's girlfriend, Savannah. The sets were stunning. The uses of the scrim were mouth-dropping. The acting, singing and dancing brought Broadway right here to downtown Houston's theater district. My highlight? Not all of what I just stated. As I sat watching the musical two areas will stick in my mind forever as fond memories. First, my oldest, Chandler, sitting with his girlfriend. As they watched the show together, they laughed, smiled and enjoyed the show and each other. Sincere. Young love. I let it soak in and I smiled. Second, as a tune was being sung on stage, I heard a tiny voice start to sing a-long. I recognized it immediately. I slowly leaned down to listen as my little seven year old's eyes were fixed on the stage and he was singing out and along with Peter Pan himself. He was eating this up. And so was I.

Chandler and Spencer in front of our first Christmas Tree at Ohana

This first month at Ohana has already shown me that this decision to sell the home we had lived in for the past 13 years and to start over in a new place will bring newness to our lives as well as the ability to move forward from a difficult three years. Promise and hope awaits the three of us as we continue this Christmas season. The excitement of what will come for this trio over the next few years truly fills my heart with joy.

Now.....off to take another picture of that crazy little elf before he takes off for the North Pole until next December!


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

November Emotions and Ohana

Ohana - Chandler named our new home after Lilo and Stitch - Very appropriate - in their words, "Ohana means family and family means no one is left behind." Love my oldest.

 

November has turned into a month of mixed emotions. Three years ago this week, my life was turned upside down by abandonment. Yet, at the same time, this time next week, my boys and I will hopefully be standing in a new home ready to build a new life with new memories. I am so thankful at this time that God has allowed us to move in this direction. As much as I would love to have the rocky mountains out the window in view, I am more than content to be surrounded by so many friends, family and a wonderful church family that has supported us in these last three years.

Even though there are days of struggle, I am still filled with hope. In the midst of heartache at times, I look out and see the blessings that surround me. In the midst of loneliness at times, I am filled with the presence of the one true God who is crazy about me, my kids, and has a plan that is much greater than mine could ever be constructed.

All of this said...I sit here like a child on Christmas Eve not being able to wait to see what is under the tree as Santa has just rocketed out of sight. What a gift! Not just the house. The gift of newness. The gift of starting over. What is in my future? Who knows? I have stopped attempting to guess, plan and plot. Enjoying the journey one day at a time is just that. One day at a time.

My journey this week has been up and down. Depression and exhilaration. Reliving the past when I didn't want to...dreaming of the future and what it holds when I reached for hope. The past can be painful. The future a daunting task. The present? Well, the present is what we make of it built upon our foundation of truth. Living in the moment works well when our outlook is that of a strong foundation, positive mindset and trajectory that shoots for the stars.

Paul's words could not be more meaningful than this week, "Press forward...forget what lies behind...press on to the upward call of Christ." Being a cyclist, my picture is not of the foot race that Paul paints, but the final sprint of a big race where I am hammering out the pedals with my eye on the prize...the finish line. I can't look behind. I will lose my line. I can't look beside me. I will lose the strength in my pedal stroke. I must keep my eyes fixed on the finish line.

November...a month that will always be filled with raw emotion for me. A month that will now also remind me of newness. Starting over. A month where I focus on the prize...finishing the race strong. Hammering away to the finish. Full of emotion. Full of exhilaration. Full of Life!

                                    

My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

Blank Slate...Fresh Canvas...New Roads...God's Grace

As I sit sprawled out on my couch to type this, praise music quietly plays in the background with a growing almost seven year old singing along to a Chris Tomlin toon while playing with his hot wheels. I am surrounded by reminders that I have two boys almost 10 years apart. Headphones are out from Chandler's iPod. Spencer's "farm" complete with horses, pigs, cows, etc. spread throughout a 10 sq ft spot on the floor with planes, hot wheels, and other toys. To the right of that sits my prized material possession, yes, my bike. A Time Edge Pulse race bike sitting on its trainer awaiting a ride where I can pretend to be scaling Alpe Du Huez in France tearing apart the peloton as I climb to victory while hammering the pedals through 20+ switchbacks! My mind is filled with newness. Dreams. Places. Praises. Thanks. A fresh start.

Tabula Rasa. A fresh blank slate.

This is a psychological term that I learned in college while majoring in the same. It means a blank slate. With the past leaving quite an impact on the three of us with abandonment, I still ponder the wonder of God's grace in the midst of tragic loss and traumatic emotional scarring. It is true that these scars will always be here and that PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but God's grace has never been more clear than now.

Selling the house and starting over with a new address, different roads to drive each day, different company to work for, different places to shop, different school to drop Spencer off each morning, different couch to perch upon, different vehicle to drive...the list goes on. There are many things at this point that I still have a hard time with and bring sadness (Billy Joel, Dave Matthews, smells, sounds, places, etc.) due to the immediate memories that these sensory stimuli illicit, but I remind myself that where I stand today begins anew. I am truly at a blank slate from where I was even in May.

As the days tick by like a large clock, I look at my oldest and see just a few years left with him at home as he will launch off to college and beyond. Does he realize that he just entered this world?! I also see a budding 6 (7 on Oct 24th) year old crazy about being this age, loves to laugh yet still struggles immensly with separation anxiety. I love these guys. They are my breath and life. The clock ticks by too fast.

This blank slate of ours reminds me of a fresh canvas. We have the opportunity to paint a piece of art that is our life from scratch. Yes, parts of the canvas have been impacted by the past and that will never be changed, but we have a chance to dream. To live anew. To, as Isaiah states, "mount up with wings like eagles". We are growing new wings, new talons, new beaks. The brush sits in our hands. We stand before the ezel to start anew.

I can't help but use another illustration to go along with this canvas. I remember the first time, I rode my bike in the hill country. I was surrounded by sounds I had never heard, scenery I had only beheld in pictures, and animals that I literally slowed down to gaze upon. Endless hills surrounded me as I pedaled through God's workmanship and I found myself in awe of His creation and craftsmanship. Our journey takes us on a ride much like that first ride on Upper Crabapple Road in Fredericksburg, TX. It will be challenging. I will be beautiful. There will be days that I want to quit. There will be days that I smile from ear to ear as bask in the wind of God's grace riding downhill in His creation. There will be days where I stop to smell the roses. There will be days that I hammer the pedals and am driven to aspire to some goal and make it to a certain point by a certain time. There will be days that I don't think I can make it to the top of a steep hill and He will be there to encourage me to hammer that much harder. Most importantly, it is not about finishing the ride, but enjoying the journey of this new road. I don't know where it ends. What hills and mountains I will have to traverse. One thing I do know, He will be there with me the entire route cheering me on with encouragement with my boys as we gaze upon His creation.

Ready...set....go


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!