Blank Slate...Fresh Canvas...New Roads...God's Grace

As I sit sprawled out on my couch to type this, praise music quietly plays in the background with a growing almost seven year old singing along to a Chris Tomlin toon while playing with his hot wheels. I am surrounded by reminders that I have two boys almost 10 years apart. Headphones are out from Chandler's iPod. Spencer's "farm" complete with horses, pigs, cows, etc. spread throughout a 10 sq ft spot on the floor with planes, hot wheels, and other toys. To the right of that sits my prized material possession, yes, my bike. A Time Edge Pulse race bike sitting on its trainer awaiting a ride where I can pretend to be scaling Alpe Du Huez in France tearing apart the peloton as I climb to victory while hammering the pedals through 20+ switchbacks! My mind is filled with newness. Dreams. Places. Praises. Thanks. A fresh start.

Tabula Rasa. A fresh blank slate.

This is a psychological term that I learned in college while majoring in the same. It means a blank slate. With the past leaving quite an impact on the three of us with abandonment, I still ponder the wonder of God's grace in the midst of tragic loss and traumatic emotional scarring. It is true that these scars will always be here and that PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but God's grace has never been more clear than now.

Selling the house and starting over with a new address, different roads to drive each day, different company to work for, different places to shop, different school to drop Spencer off each morning, different couch to perch upon, different vehicle to drive...the list goes on. There are many things at this point that I still have a hard time with and bring sadness (Billy Joel, Dave Matthews, smells, sounds, places, etc.) due to the immediate memories that these sensory stimuli illicit, but I remind myself that where I stand today begins anew. I am truly at a blank slate from where I was even in May.

As the days tick by like a large clock, I look at my oldest and see just a few years left with him at home as he will launch off to college and beyond. Does he realize that he just entered this world?! I also see a budding 6 (7 on Oct 24th) year old crazy about being this age, loves to laugh yet still struggles immensly with separation anxiety. I love these guys. They are my breath and life. The clock ticks by too fast.

This blank slate of ours reminds me of a fresh canvas. We have the opportunity to paint a piece of art that is our life from scratch. Yes, parts of the canvas have been impacted by the past and that will never be changed, but we have a chance to dream. To live anew. To, as Isaiah states, "mount up with wings like eagles". We are growing new wings, new talons, new beaks. The brush sits in our hands. We stand before the ezel to start anew.

I can't help but use another illustration to go along with this canvas. I remember the first time, I rode my bike in the hill country. I was surrounded by sounds I had never heard, scenery I had only beheld in pictures, and animals that I literally slowed down to gaze upon. Endless hills surrounded me as I pedaled through God's workmanship and I found myself in awe of His creation and craftsmanship. Our journey takes us on a ride much like that first ride on Upper Crabapple Road in Fredericksburg, TX. It will be challenging. I will be beautiful. There will be days that I want to quit. There will be days that I smile from ear to ear as bask in the wind of God's grace riding downhill in His creation. There will be days where I stop to smell the roses. There will be days that I hammer the pedals and am driven to aspire to some goal and make it to a certain point by a certain time. There will be days that I don't think I can make it to the top of a steep hill and He will be there to encourage me to hammer that much harder. Most importantly, it is not about finishing the ride, but enjoying the journey of this new road. I don't know where it ends. What hills and mountains I will have to traverse. One thing I do know, He will be there with me the entire route cheering me on with encouragement with my boys as we gaze upon His creation.

Ready...set....go


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Time That Will Never Be Forgotten

Chandler posing at Joe's Crab Shack - Don't know where he gets it from!

We found it. After numerous homes, two potential offers that were eventually pulled and endless driving all over Kingwood, we drove by a nice French Colonial home in Bear Branch. It was perfect. It even had the magnolia tree in the backyard that she had hoped for in addition to a bay window looking out to the backyard. We put in an offer the next day and moved in by December of 1999.

Chandler was only three and my time away from youth ministry? Not even a year yet. Spencer? Not even a glimmer of a thought. There, before us, stood our future. We built memories at this home that will last forever. I cannot begin to write the numerous times we all laughed (sometimes to the point of tears), had friends over for meals or card games, hosted Super Bowls, played kickball out front, teeball and baseball, took walks around the block or on the greenbelt, and many many many other memories from our family.

2009 changed all of that. Friday the 13th came and went like an atomic bomb. Now, almost three years later, the house was finally sold. Happy memories were replaced with haunting ones. Flashbacks became nightmares in the middle of the night. Tears of sadness and hurt substituted the laughter. Walking down a hallway, I could almost hear voices from the past, but the hallowed sounds were not holy anymore, but curses. Instead of bringing me to my knees in humility with the blessing of a full family, I fell to my face begging for answers and eventually the deliverance from what was once a refuge which had turned into a place filled with heartache and anguish.

No matter how many ways I changed the furniture around, painted walls, took down old pictures/paintings and placed new ones in their places, the memories still played in my mind like a looping movie reel.

Now, we had a buyer and the sale went through. We held an epic garage sale. Whatever didn't sell, we donated to HAAM. The next weekend, we spent the time putting everything together for the packers. After the packers finished, we made the move to the apartment. Spencer stayed the night with some friends. We had just about finished trucking everything from our sold 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath 2800 square foot home to our 2 bedroom 2 bath 1200 square foot apartment.

Chandler and I drove the Jeep back to the house for a few extra things before we went to bed at the apartment. As we walked into the house, an eerie feeling came over me. I was brought back in time to the first time I had walked into the family room in 1999. I remembered feeling the new carpet, seeing the leaves rustle in the Magnolia through the cool autumn breeze in the backyard, and the smile on her face that this was the place. I must have stood in the middle of that room for 5 minutes before snapping back into reality.

I started to fill one of the boxes with a few things and ended up filling the Jeep with a number of our belongings. I opened the back door and realized that I had not seen Chandler since we arrived. I knew where he was. I could feel it. As I pushed open the door to what was once his room for the vast majority of his life, he sat in a lone chair against the wall next to the door. A tear fell down his left cheek and he wiped it away.

I hugged him. We talked about the numerous memories in his room. Endless nights of reading books in his bunk bed with the cool light bulb hanging over his top bunk. Nerf basketball matches so intense that his closet doors eventually had to come off. Sleepovers. Neighborhood kids playing kickball. The memories were many. We both struggled to find words. I gazed upon Chanlder's face and he mine. We both hugged and wept for a good 5 minutes. We had to leave this house. We both knew it. We both knew how hard it all of a sudden had become to do just that and yet we knew it was the right thing.

I asked Chandler if he wanted me to pray. He said yes. So, I took his hands into mine and prayed. I wept as I praised God for all of the good memories at this wonderful home that he had blessed us with for almost 13 years. I also thanked Him that He opened the door for a new place to build new memories and have a new beginning for the three of us.

We stood. We hugged again. We walked to the Jeep and slowly drove away down the street for the last time together away from his childhood home. It was over yet we both knew that God had acted so quickly to sell this house that there was no mistaking the fact that we were walking the right road and that the Lord was in the middle of everything. God brought a smile to my face as Chandler drove back with me to the apartment. I was proud of my 16 year old. He opened up and we had a very intimate father/son moment that I will never forget for the rest of my life. We shared stories. We wept. We prayed. We rejoiced. What else can a dad ask for?

My grace is sufficient you...One Day At A Time!

Highlights from the Summer of 2012

Taking a picture of the boys from the third floor

Sooooooooooo, June 22nd was the last entry...almost 3 months! Wow. Okay, let's catch up!

House sold (you knew that). Chandler went to Hawaii with Grandma and Grandpa.

Spencer went to Mimi and PaPa's.

July 4th parade with KBC. Spencer and I walked (Okay he rode on my shoulder's most of the way) with the float the entire parade.

Great friend, Farrah, came to stay with a friend in The Woodlands and we got to see each other for the first time in 10 years. Tex Mex celebration for all!

Chandler went to Frontier Camp for his final summer (too old next year...that was not easy. That alone deserves an entry as there was a lot of emotion for me that weekend when I picked him up.)

Garage sale!!

Lost my job. Yikes!

Packed for move to apartment.

Slab poured on new home!

Closed on sale of the house we had lived in for 13 years. (yes...definitely need to write about that...touching moments with both boys)

Moved into apartment.

Boys flew to Cali to see their mom. (gut wrenching for me, but good for the boys which is more important)

Unpacked in the apartment and put most things in their places and got an additional storage unit!

Met at Starbucks for an interview.

Drove to the Galleria for a different interview.

Picked up the boys from the airport. (missed them and it was just a week)

Sent out a resumes everyday and made a boat load of phone calls.

Almost went back to self-employment, but decided not to as we wouldn't get to keep the house.

Drove to the Galleria again for a second interview and then all the way across Houston for a different second interview (good day!).

Framers for house leave as they are offered more money to work at a different place, so we had a wall for almost two weeks on our slab and that was it (bad day).

Received an offer from a fantastic company that is allowing me to work from home two to three days a week! Accepted!!

Turned down an offer from another company.

Transferred Spencer to a different school due to the new home being zoned in a location not going to his previous elementary school.

Chandler finished drivers ed! Booked for drivers exam on October 18th.

Spencer meets his new teacher for first grade at new school.

Hotter than Hell 100 take three with my buddy Phil (knee didn't make it all 100 miles this year...gave at mile 85). Fitness was there, but knee wasn't. Still not the same.

First day of school!!!!!

First day at new job!!!!!

New framers show for house and build the frame in just a week!

Get together at Dad's for Labor Day was a great time.

Bought Chandler his first car!

Started new drama ministry at church with a successful first meeting at Terra's house. Wow...going to be a lot of fun.

Trip to Lafayette for work.

Kingwood Kickoff Carnival at church which benefited all three Kingwood area Middle Schools and FCA.

Going to take the plunge and write a book. No, I won't tell. ;)

Working from home today.

Okay, we're all caught up now. The busyness of the summer didn't leave a lot of time for writing as you can see. So, I am committing to write more. I will take some of these highlights and compose some entries from them. Some emotional times took place with a number of these and are definitely worth sharing. Funny moments as well.

I think overall the theme for this summer has been transition. I am living proof that there are Treasures in Transitions. God is good and the statement below keeps me going everyday.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

A Home For Sale...A New Day Breaks the Dawn

I recently put my home up for sale. In doing this, I followed the guidance of my realtor and put new carpet, painted a couple of areas, tiled the second bath, power-washed the the house and driveway and hired a maid to clean it thoroughly. I listed it on a Monday. On Tuesday, there were two showings in which one was a return. Wednesday brought an offer. Thursday afternoon we countered their offer. I received an email on Friday morning that they had accepted the offer. The house looks like a model home thanks to the Medley's help!

We took a home that needed some TLC and brought it to a modern look and feel in two weeks! I don't like dwelling too much on the past. There is a good amount of pain here over the last two and half years. Abandonment is difficult to say the least especially with two boys ten years apart from each other. The  challenges are there and they are real. As that is a truth in my every day life, I am reminded by the gospel truth of one of my favorite movies, Chicken Little. "Today is a new day."

Today is a new day. The journey starts here today. New choices today. New direction comes from these choices today. With the sale of the home, we move to a new beginning soon. It is a beginning that the boys need and I definitely need.

Divorce is brutal. Add abandonment to the mix and it is truly like an atomic bomb going off in life. I have gone through counseling for a couple of years and have spoken to two other therapists with 30 plus years of experience. All three of them have said the same thing. We have experienced true PTSD emotionally. For those not knowing what that is...Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No, the boys and I are not about to load up an arsenal and build our own little army and go postal. On the outside, we do really well. On the inside, for the most part now, we function just fine. All three of us experience moments that take us back in time. A time that changed forever in a flash. A moment when one second there was four of us and now...three.

Psychologists call them triggers. It could be a song, a scent, a picture, a place. It jogs the memory and all of a sudden depression, anxiety, stress, and all around loss comes down like a ton of bricks. I can see it on their faces when it hits them. I can sense it when it nails me. We used to have bad weeks and good moments. That transitioned to sad days and good days. As the healing process continues, we have sad moments now and for the most part, good days.

The house is changed, but it is the same house. It has the same memories. No matter how we change it to look different or up-to-date, it is still the same home. There is a direct correlation to ourselves. No matter how much healing we go through, it will not change our experiences. We will still have the scars. We will still have the memories. The triggers will still happen from time to time. This is normal according to all of the experts. Getting a new place will help with these triggers as we move forward. We will be out of the home where "it all happened".

The boys are psyched to have a new place later this year. I am as well. A new beginning. A new place. New memories. New hope. New...well, everything. God is good. Today is a new day. Thank you, Lord. Oh...and thanks, Chicken Little.






My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!

The Over-Comer - Two Great Victories - A Humbled and Motivated Dad

One thing rings true as a single dad raising two boys almost ten years apart in age...when a victory arrives, it can be both humbling and motivating at the same time. This fact came to fruition just a couple of weeks ago when Chandler came home with a rather beaming smile upon his mug.

"Dad! I made varsity theater for my junior year! And...(he pauses)...are you ready for this?"

"Sure, Champ (I have called him Champ since his T-Ball days at the Y when he was a spry 5 years old)!"

"I also have all A's and B's!"

The same smile ran across my face as I knew how much work, study, and preparation he put into his grades and the monologue for varsity auditions. The theater teacher told him after he finished to speak with him. They talked about grades. Chandler communicated his commitment level and then the teacher looked at him and said, "Chandler, you did fantastic." At that, my son was completely thrilled, pumped, and motivated even more to keep his grades at the level he had raised them to currently. Two more weeks have passed and his grades now stand at all A's and two B's. Amazing. Simply amazing. Not that his grades have climbed to this level, but that they have elevated to this height in the midst of the past 2 1/2 years.

A wonderful friend of mine whom I respect and love, Curt, told me that Chandler is an over-comer. I have never thought of him this way, but now, I can not agree more. Proud? Yes. Humbled? Definitely.

These victories fuel motivation both in him and, believe or not, me as a dad. The victories communicate that things really do get better over time.

Let's face it, as a single parent, it is a challenge to say the least to balance kids, a clean home (yep - I fail here miserably!), laundry, yard, career, making meals, grocery shopping, helping with homework, teacher conferences, school activities, sports activities, church activities, dishes, etc etc etc.So, when my son has some victories like this, it motivates me as a dad to keep moving forward day by day by day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, it is all a person can do and that is okay I am learning. God just wants us to trust Him one moment at a time. His grace is sufficient. He leads us to victory. He humbles us with that victory and motivates us to keep going. Easy victories don't come with the satisfaction that the difficult victories bring where we sweat it out and struggle to get across the finish line stretching ourselves for the tape. We have to be as Curt so elegantly put it, over-comers.

Chandler is doing this and it is exciting to watch. Over-comer? You bet.


My grace is sufficient for you...One Day At A Time!